Tell me if this phrase sounds familiar: “Your performance will speak for itself; there’s no need to brag!” What probably started for many of us as a reasonable childhood lesson in humility and character building has turned into a pretty powerful vulnerability for me. As I’ve matured and witnessed similar behavior from other women in my network, I’ve concluded this is another one of the rules that I simply must challenge. It’s time to expend energy to fight the old voices in my head – the ones that tell me stop acting like I’m “full of myself," because maybe I don’t deserve recognition. The ones that whispered to me during my college sports career, “keep your head down and play hard; the recognition will come.” The ones that were, deliberately or inadvertently, influenced by leaders in my organization, telling me to keep my early promotion quiet. These are the very same voices that I still hear whenever I achieve something and I simply move on, not willing to risk being judged as a showoff. Humility shows your character, right? However, there is a big problem with this approach. I found a passage in Entrepreneur Magazine that describes it perfectly: “This ‘female problem,’ perpetuated by gender norms that enforce expectations of modesty in women, can have implications in both corporate life and entrepreneurship. Research by Women of Influence and Thomson Reuters reported that ‘Women cling to an outmoded assumption that their achievements will speak for themselves.’ Notice that the study said "outmoded." In fact, the study found self-promotion to be the second biggest pitfall for women in business.”

Nailed it! In my own daily reality, the simple act of saying “thank you” when I receive a deserved compliment is difficult. My usual response is to brush it off with “it’s no big deal.” The idea of responding with, “Thank you, I am proud of that achievement” is still a bit out of my comfort zone. How did I get to this place? The short answer is this: a lifetime of messaging that girls and women are expected to be modest, that we shouldn’t take up too much space and we certainly shouldn’t show “prideful” behaviors. Instead we were told to be nice, smile and take any recognition that came our way with grace and courtesy. We were told that “bragging” is impolite and people (women?) who brag are rude and arrogant. And yet today, when I look around, I notice that individuals who extoll their own accomplishments and celebrate their achievements are recognized as winners! In work environments, men who take credit for their team’s work are too often seen as good leaders. On the other hand, women who don’t give credit “where it’s due” are considered selfish and not team players. It’s a double standard that has always made me uncomfortable (at best) and even resentful. I LOVE to brag about my team and share their accomplishments, which is accepted (and expected) behavior for women leaders. But specifically, for me, as an individual who accomplishes things? The underlying message was always fairly clear: let someone else highlight your success, because calling it out on your own is impolite and unwelcome.

If that’s tough for you to read, imagine how difficult it has been for me to change my behavior once I started dissecting it. For example, If I objectively look at my resume – fully loaded with accomplishments – I would intellectually be impressed. So why is it, in any given situation, when someone compliments me, I struggle to sing my own praises. In fact, I’d rather manage down expectations, internally and to others. I’d rather wait for someone else to hold me up as an example rather than set myself up on that pedestal. I appreciate those leaders who do it (since I rarely will), and they have earned my loyalty. In general, however, there are too few leaders and companies that encourage and practice this behavior, or to the other extreme, actually penalize women who take credit and demand recognition for their successes. The US National Women’s Soccer team is a great example. They are one of the most successful teams in all of professional sports, and yet were severely under-recognized in compensation and media coverage. When the players spoke up and spoke out, they were met with significant push back and excuses for why this was the case. Given that kind of backlash, it’s no wonder that women are not incented to advocate for themselves for recognition – much less BRAG about their work!

What’s the solution? It’s easy to say and so hard to do… I have to use the voice I’ve been working so hard to cultivate, so I can confidently lay claim to my successes (and failures), and do it in a way that is authentic to ME. I won’t resort to the “humble brag” – it’s self-deprecating at best, dishonest at worst, and lets me off the hook of claiming my space unconditionally. Instead, I’ll work on showing up as my full self, modeling my own way for taking credit for the good and the bad.

I’ve been on a journey over the last year of writing – working to identify and break rules that I’ve allowed to constrain me for much of my career. It’s become clear I need to let the optimistic, enthusiastic, “doesn’t know better” woman inside my head take the lead more often. This will be a forever project, and luckily, we humans never stop growing, learning and changing. I know that the organization I work for will benefit from me finding this voice, breaking the rules I’ve described in this space. I fully understand that my role as a senior leader is also a mentor. I am required (and self-motivated) to step into that “role model” space and own it. I know that my success will come gradually, as I practice new behaviors and encourage others to do the same. I don’t believe there will be a day where I “arrive” at some magical “end point.” Instead, I’ll more likely see it in the rear-view mirror, noticing my own behavior change over time. Isn’t that what change looks like for all of us?