Are your coaching clients not following through on your advice? Dr Demartini unpacks how your communication skills can transform your coaching results.

If you're a coach, therapist, consultant, or health professional and working with clients, you may find that their compliance or application of what you're recommending is low. In my experience as a human behavior expert over the past 5 decades, I have some insights that may help you enhance your coaching results, increase your word-of-mouth referrals, grow your practice, and increase your revenue.

About 40 years ago, I was consulting and speaking for consulting companies and working with clients - primarily health professionals - I noticed something interesting: some clients would take off and achieve extraordinary results from the insights and coaching they received, while others appeared to flounder.

I would also sometimes observe autocratic-type behavior from the coach or consultant, who appeared to almost condemn or judge the client for not applying the advice, saying something like, "You're not disciplined, and you're not doing what I've said."

I spent some time considering: are they really not disciplined? Or is there some sort of internal conflict going on inside their psyche about taking those actions? I was curious about the variable responses.

I also noticed that some of these same clients would leave one consulting or management company and flourish under a different consultant or company. I would chat with them and ask, "You were with this other company and didn't take off, and now you're highly achieving. What do you think the difference is?" And we narrowed it down to something I had suspected but hadn't fully confirmed.

Clients would say things like, "I just couldn't do what they were asking me to do; it just wasn't me." Essentially, what they were being asked to do was not impossible, but certain parts of the coaching were just a ‘no’ for them. Those parts held them back and limited their results, or possibly guided them toward a more congruent strategy.

Perceptions, decisions and thus actions are value driven and come down to each individual’s unique set of highest values.

I realized that if a coach or consultant asks you to do something and, in your mind, you perceive more drawbacks than benefits, more disadvantages than advantages, or something that goes against what you truly value, you'll likely put up a barrier. You'll hesitate, procrastinate, and frustrate yourself because you'll be expecting yourself to do something that isn’t congruent with your highest values.

For example, anytime you hear yourself thinking, "I should," "I ought to," "I'm supposed to," "I've got to," "I have to," or "I must do it," it's feedback that it’s an injected value from some outer authority, perhaps a teacher, preacher, parent, coach, or consultant. This injected value may not match your own highest values, which can create internal conflicts and feelings of resistance.

In the majority of cases I researched or followed, those having difficulty were facing a conflict with their highest values.

Let me give you an example. I had a client who said, "No matter what I do, I can't seem to get past earning a certain amount in my practice." I asked, "What are you afraid might happen if you suddenly doubled your revenue or if your business really took off?"

He thought about it for a while and then explained that it could be that he had an association with a friend who doubled his practice but ended up getting a divorce because of the amount of time and effort that it took. I explained to him that he had a higher value on relationships and family, as opposed to his friend who had a higher value on business, so he was highly unlikely to sacrifice family for business. Once he realized that his associations with his friend’s divorce had led him to unconsciously associate more drawbacks than benefits to doubling his business, his mind expanded, and he began thinking differently.

It’s one of the reasons why, when working with people, I spend time helping them clear out the subconscious baggage that is sitting inside their minds and weighing them down. And while, as a coach, therapist, consultant, or health professional, the advice you may be giving your clients or patients is solid, they have associations and previous experiences that are challenging for them. Unless you dissolve those previous associations or revamp and reassociate them, they'll likely continue to hesitate, procrastinate or frustrate.

In the case of the above gentleman who was afraid to grow his business in case it “negatively” impacted his marriage, I asked him how doubling his business could actually help his marriage. He said, "Well, if I doubled my business, my wife would likely bitch at me, she's always complaining because I'm not home enough. I'm already too busy, working too many hours. If I were to double it..."

He stopped there, because in his mind, he thought that doubling his business would entail twice the amount of work and double the hours. 

I replied that this wasn’t necessarily true. He could delegate more and actually spend less time in the office, even with twice as many patients. However, he wasn’t thinking that way. He thought doubling his business meant being away from home more, putting in more effort, leading to issues with his wife, and perhaps even resulting in a divorce. The story that he told himself was that doubling his business wasn’t worth it, despite paying for a consultant whose advice was solid. But he couldn't follow it because he had an unhealed wound - seeing his friend go through a divorce and the heartache that he perceived resulted from growing his business.

So, I asked him, "How specifically is growing your practice and doubling it going to help your family and relationship?" And he couldn't see it. I knew that if he couldn't see it, he wasn't going to do it. So, I asked once again, "How could it help?"

We sat down and used a scientific tool that I teach in my signature 2-day Breakthrough Experience  program, the Demartini Method , which involves a series of questions to help him make new associations to balance any imbalanced perceptions. I used the method to help him see where the upsides were. In other words, if he doubled his business, he could have more efficient time usage. He could hire more people to delegate tasks to, which would actually help him with his goal of doubling his business.

We then came up with strategies on how he could delegate tasks so he could free up his time, and prioritized tasks so he could spend more time with his family.

We also talked about how building the business would actually benefit his children, because we’d identified that one of his and his wife's highest values was family. We linked how spending time with the kids would also help his business grow. As I explained to him, anytime two values are closer together in the hierarchy of values, they enhance each other. If they don't see the relationship, they hinder each other. So, I asked him to come up with ways to achieve both goals – prioritizing his family and growing his business. The moment he saw how he could grow his business and maintain his marriage, he was moved to tears, and his business began to flourish and took off because he was no longer resistant to it.

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Whenever you're working with a client, it is wise to be mindful that they have a unique hierarchy of values, a set of priorities that range from most to least important in their life.

Think of a ladder, as an example. Their highest values would form the top few rungs, descending to their lower and less important values towards the bottom. This hierarchy of values is unique to them, with no one else having the exact same hierarchy of values as they do. This is part of what makes them unique (and one of the keys to understanding themselves).

Their perceptions, decisions, actions, and behaviors are all an expression of their hierarchy of values.

If you don't know what their highest values are, it's wise to take the time to identify them because it determines whether or not they'll take action on your recommendations.

On my website, there's a free confidential Value Determination Process that you are most welcome to use. It takes around 30 minutes, and you can go through it with your client to ensure you - and they - understand their values.

Then, when communicating with them, master the art of speaking in terms of their highest values.

Remember, people try to live and fulfill their highest values. If you help them see how your advice meets their highest values, they'll most likely follow it. If not, they'll tend to resist, perceiving it as interfering with what they value most.

It is a powerful coaching tool that you can use – knowing what their values are and practicing the art of understanding how their values serve you. If you don't see how their highest values serve you, you'll likely talk down to them and project your values onto them, trying to make them live by your values instead of honoring and respectfully communicating in terms of theirs.

It’s when you communicate what you value in terms of what they value, that you’ll get the greatest compliance, buy-in, and action.

For example, I used to have patients come into my office saying they’d had shoulder pain for four months but had only just come in. I immediately recognized that the pain itself wasn't what drove them to seek help, or they would have come in a lot sooner. So, I would ask them, "What specific high-priority thing in your life is this pain starting to interfere with that made you decide to come in?"

They would usually say things like, "The other day, I was driving on the freeway and couldn’t turn my neck because my shoulder was sore. I almost got hit by a 24-wheeler and realized that I better do something about it." So, they didn't come in because of the pain; they came in because they almost had a life-threatening accident. I also had a woman say that she sought help because she dropped her child due to her shoulder pain.

People have reasons for their actions, and it’s wise to find out what’s really driving them, rather than assuming or projecting.

Taking the time to find out the dominant buying motive, the dominant value, and what’s truly driving them is important in the coaching or consulting process. I had clients who were avid golfers, and I told them that following my advice would help them get their golf scores back down and upgrade their game. If I talked about their pain, they didn't listen, but when I talked about golf, they did.

So, care enough about the individual to find out what they value most and communicate effectively in terms of their highest values. If you do this, their compliance will increase.

That's why I teach people the Breakthrough Experience, where I spend a substantial amount of time helping them understand values, identify values, communicate in terms of values, prioritize values, discern values in people, and effectively communicate what you want in terms of their values. If they don’t see how they benefit, they'll tend to feel manipulated and controlled. If they do see the benefit, they'll more likely feel cared for and loved, which is the goal.

In all probability in your business or practice, you are inspired to help people feel cared for, loved, and appreciated. Understanding and respecting their value system is a wise way to achieve this.

In the Breakthrough Experience, I teach you how to do that and how to dissolve emotional baggage that causes resistance. The wounds, like the fear of divorce from a friend’s experience or the frustrations from a spouse upset about late hours, are powerful influences of decisions. So, I use the Demartini Method to dissolve those wounds, so you can have a clear, balanced, neutral and objective perspective. And then you can communicate more effectively with others and not have unconscious wounds – those impulses and instincts that set you off before you can think clearly – because you have the tools to neutralize them. 

Another key point is that when asking people about their values, it is wise to remember that what they say may not be accurate or congruent with what they actually live and their highest values.

As I mentioned earlier, they may have injected values from outer authorities and lost clarity around their own highest values. I often recommend that you don’t focus on what they say is important but rather observe what their life already demonstrates as being important to them. The Value Determination process on my website can be a real eye-opener in this regard.

I am certain, based on my experience and in my work with coaches, and many health professionals that once you understand your client’s highest values and know how to dissolve the emotional baggage that is driving those values, you have a powerful tool on helping increase their compliance. So, instead of wondering why they don't follow your advice, you have a solution.

And that solution is to care enough about another human being to communicate what you truly value in terms of what they truly value – what you know will help them grow their business, life, or health so you can help them get what they would love in life.

To Sum Up:

In my experience as a Human Behavior Expert over the past four+ decades, I have some insight that may help you enhance your coaching, increase your word-of-mouth referrals, grow your practice, and increase your revenue.

The true success of coaching lies in understanding that the process is value-driven and comes down to each individual’s unique set of highest values.

If you ask your client to do something and, in their mind, they perceive more drawbacks than benefits, more disadvantages than advantages, or something that goes against what they truly value, they'll likely put up a barrier.

As such, whenever you're working with a client, it is wise to be mindful that they have a unique hierarchy of values, a set of priorities that range from most to least important in their life.

I often recommend that you don’t focus on what they say is important but rather observe what their life already demonstrates as being important to them.

If you help them see how your advice meets their highest values, they'll be more willing to follow it. If not, they'll tend to resist, perceiving it as interfering with what they value most.

If you haven't already done so, complete the free Value Determination process  on my website. This may be one of the most important steps in growing your coaching business because people will only live according to their hierarchy of values, not yours. This process will not only help you know what is truly most valuable to you but also how to more effectively determine what is most valuable to your clients or customers.

Identifying your client's values and setting expectations according to them and communicating in terms of them is crucial if you would love to help them achieve sustainable results.

If you’d love to learn more about values and the applications of values in coaching, business or any area of life you can join me at the Demartini Values Training Program  which is a 4 day training presented globally online in 4 time zones.

 

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You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.

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About Dr John Demartini:

Dr John Demartini, is a human behavior specialist, a polymath, philosopher, international speaker and published author. He has recently been awarded the IAOTP Top Human Behavior Specialist of the Year as well as the IAOTP Lifetime Achievement Award.

His work is a summation of over 299 different disciplines synthesized from the greatest minds in most fields of study today. His extensive curriculum focuses on helping purpose driven individuals master their lives so that they are able to more extensively serve humanity with their inspired vision and mission.