What the hell am I doing?

I put a finger to my neck to feel my pulse.

My heart was doing a drum and bass beat.

This can’t be healthy.

Should I just abort? Am I even ready for this?

Maybe I’ll send a quick group email to say I had a family emergency. I got snowed out of my apartment. Something. There’s still time.

Deep, slow breath.

I’m doing this. It’s been on the calendar for weeks. I said I’d do this. I told hundreds of people about this. I can’t let them down.

And so I cleared my throat and hit ‘start call.’

Many of us, myself included, don’t do nearly enough scary things.

We’re told to spend our lives doing what we want; doing what makes us happy; doing what we love.

If this was true, why would I agree to host a live class for over thirty people on a zoom call?

Why would I ‘start call’ if my knees were weak, I felt nauseous and wanted to be anywhere but there?

Why?

Because I want to live.

I knew that to live a conscious life, an alive life, doing things that I WANT to do is only part of the picture.

Yes, absolutely — do what you love doing. We must spend our lives working on the things that are most suited to our passions. We must commit time and energy to the projects that bring out our most beautiful talents.

But this doesn’t mean we should avoid those things that make us want to run away.

You can’t get away that easy. We won’t.

By stepping into things that make us nervous, we are accepting a mini life quest.

It is a challenge that we know matters because we wouldn’t feel scared if it didn’t matter. We can thank ourselves in these instances.

Whenever something prompts a feeling of fear in me, I know it’s a sign.

It’s my spirit waving a clear banner.

The banner reads: ‘Hey, buddy! Yeah, you with the silly look on your face and the pounding heart. This. THIS here is the route to who you really are.

When you follow your fears, you are seizing an opportunity to move past the limiting thoughts that aren’t helping you. Your thoughts have you enslaved, sir. I am here, but you can’t see me so good because of your incessant and nonsensical thinking.

If it makes you scared, good. It’s a sign. It’s your thinking coming up and making you uncomfortable. It’s not real, but it IS time to act.’

So that’s it. Do both. Mix it up.

Take on a challenge every day that scares you. Then get back to some beautiful creative project.

Write a list of five things you will DO that scare you that you know deep down you must do.

Not out of obligation. But because you want to live.

You want to experience the edges of life.

Do what you love, but also allow your priorities to be guided by the things that scare you. On the other side of fear, as they say, is growth, invigoration, and a crystal-clear connectedness with your spirit.

And when you are connected to spirit, you will bring a raw and ferocious energy to the things you WANT to do anyway.

This is how to live an alive life.

—

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