TW: Miscarriage and pregnancy.

Advocating for yourself within the health care system, or with a health care professional can be tiring. You think that once you've found your voice, people will listen. But it's not always the case. When I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter, my current doctor was on mat-leave and I had my initial pregnancy appointment with her locum. I told her my cycle was irregular and that I knew exactly which day I conceived on. She then pulled up a prediction date based on when I told her my last period was and she said I was around 8-9 weeks pregnant. "No," I said. "I'm only 5-6 weeks pregnant because my cycle is around 45-50 days." I was repeating what I had initially told her. She continued to not listen to what I was saying about my cycle and said that based on a 30 day cycle it would mean I was 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was literally shaking my head. I said "but I don't have a 30 day cycle." She confidently said "but when we're looking at pregnancies, we base our dates off of a 30 day cycle." I was very confused at what she was saying, but I sheepishly just said "okay" and we ended the call.

The locum sent me a requisition for my initial bloodwork and then the next day she called me with my results. "I'd like to repeat your bloodwork because your HCG levels are quite low for how far along you should be. Let's retest in a couple days to see if they've doubled." I asked her, how far along she was basing these results on. She said "based on your last period, you are around 8-9 weeks pregnant." It sounded like she was a robot reading a script. I took a deep breath and told her the SAME story as the day before. And her scripted response: "we base it off a 30 day cycle, so let's see what the follow-up results say and let's try not to be too hopeful." WHAT? Not hopeful!? I got off the call shocked that she wasn't listening to what I was saying. I started to doubt myself because here this doctor was telling me to not get my hopes up on this pregnancy.

This was my first pregnancy after experiencing a miscarriage and I was already anxious that things wouldn't work out.

Two days later I went back to the lab to get my HCG levels retested.

The next day I saw my results online before the doctor called me with them. Thankfully they had doubled. But guess what she said? "They're still low. They did double, but the number is extremely low for how far along you should be. I'd like to get an ultrasound to see what's going on. Once you've had your ultrasound, please go for another blood test so we can get another read on your HCG levels." I was so fed up with her. She truly was not listening to one thing I was telling her. I felt like she had never dealt with a pregnant person in her career. How could she still be basing my pregnancy off of a 30 day cycle when I had told her countless times that I knew exactly when I conceived, based on years of tracking my ovulation, and that my cycle wasn't typical. I knew my cycle more than she did. It was all so aggravating!

You're probably frustrated reading at how much I've been repeating the same thing. But this is what it was like for days after finding out I was pregnant on an at-home pregnancy test. These should have been exciting days...but I was frustrated. I wasn't being listened to and this doctor's worry and apprehension over my HCG levels was starting to make me doubt everything I was saying.

I went to my ultrasound and the tech asked me when my last period was. I told her the same story I had been telling the doctor, and the tech's response was "why are you getting an ultrasound? We probably won't see anything because you're still quite early." I felt a sense of relief. Someone was finally listening to me. I took a big sigh and told her that my doctor wasn't listening to what I was saying and that she thought I was closer to 8-9 weeks. The tech shook her head and started the ultrasound. She immediately said "you're definitely pregnant, but it's too early to see an embryo." She assured me I had a healthy gestational sac and yolk sac, but there wasn't any sign of a fetal pole yet. "Come back at 12 weeks," she told me.

Six days after my third round of blood work and the extra-early ultrasound, the doctor called me and said "the ultrasound results don't show an embryo, and your HCG levels are low, I'd like you to do one more round of bloodwork to see how your HCG levels are increasing. But until then let's continue to cautiously optimistic."

I hated that she was using cautious and optimistic together.

At this point I didn't even respond back. I just nodded my head and booked my FOURTH appointment (in the span of nine days) to get my veins poked.

Once the results were in, the doctor called me. "Your HCG levels are trending upwards, it looks like things are going well. But I don't think you're as far along as we thought...it appears you're probably only 6 weeks pregnant." My eyes went wide and I wanted to laugh. My response: "ya, I've been saying this the whole time." But, she didn't acknowledge that comment. She didn't apologize. All she followed up with was "who do you want your pregnancy care provider to be?"

I left that phone call so extremely annoyed.

I'm still annoyed by this experience as I type it out.

This doctor never listened to me.

And you know what the funniest thing about all of this was? A couple months later I had a virtual call with her over something non-pregnancy related. As the call started, she was pulling up my file and said "oh you're pregnant! Congratulations to you and your partner. Is this your first baby?" She didn't even remember who I was. She didn't even have the decency to see what my history was (in that I had one healthy baby and had experienced one miscarriage). I had to say...thank, but no this is my second baby, third pregnancy.

I'm sharing this experience because I know I'm not the only person a doctor hasn't listened to. This was over an exciting situation, a healthy pregnancy. But there are countless other people who aren't listened to or taken seriously with issues that are actually very serious. I feel grateful that this experience didn't push down my confidence to continue using my voice, but it could have very well made me back down in fear that my voice won't be heard again. It's done the opposite though, it's made my voice even stronger.

All this to say, I complained to my family doctor once she was back from her mat leave. She had to know that I had this experience. I hope that the locum was given the feedback that I shared. I realize that doctors are people, they make mistakes and can be forgetful, just like any other human...but this was a case that went too far for too long. What are the repercussions for a doctor who doesn't listen? What if this was another professional who wasn't listening to their client? They'd probably get a warning from their employer. Patients shouldn't have to run in circles trying to be heard. Patients are clients. Listen to them once. Make the effort to understand what they're saying.

This experience was just another personal experience that further fuelled my fire to do the work I do.

Patient-centric care, patient-centric design, patient advocacy and patient empowerment are incredibly important, and that's why I'm doing what I'm doing over at Unum Co .

Unum Co. is reimagining health care through patient-centric innovation. We're cultivating the power of patient experiences and voices to design health care solutions that are inclusive and collaborative.