"The purpose of our lives is to be happy." -The Dalai Lama

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY 'HAPPY" ?

When asked what they want out of life, many people say that they simply want to “be happy.” It’s impossibly vague and yet somehow says it all. 

But what does happiness mean? What would it look like in your life?

One way to find answers to this question might be to ask people what would make them happy, and then find commonalities. But one hard truth is that people are terrible at knowing what is good for them. 

More important than how people would answer the question are the unspoken and internalized myths about what makes a happy life. There are many, but chief among these myths is the idea that happiness is something you achieve. As if it were an award you could frame and hang on the wall. Or as if it were a destination, and after overcoming all of the obstacles in your way, you will finally arrive there, and then just hang out for the rest of your life.

Of course, it doesn’t work that way.

More than two thousand years ago Aristotle used a term that is still in wide use in psychology today: eudaimonia. It refers to a state of well-being in which a person feels that their life has meaning and purpose. It is often contrasted with hedonia (the origin of the word hedonism), which refers to the fleeting happiness of various pleasures. To put it another way, if hedonic happiness is what you mean when you say you’re having a good time, then eudemonic happiness is what we mean when we say life is good. It is a sense that, outside of this moment, regardless of how pleasurable or miserable it is, your life is worth something, and valuable to you. It is the kind of well-being that can endure both the ups and the downs of life.

Most of us want both types of wellbeing.  We may love the fun of a good party with friends or the pleasure of a great meal.  And we want that sense that our lives are generally worthwhile. So it’s not a matter of choosing one type of happiness over the other, but discerning what’s most valuable to us in each moment as we move through life.  One of my friends who is the mother of a young child offered the best example of how we make choices every day about which type of happiness to prioritize.  She recalled reading the book “Good Night Moon” to her daughter before bed. After reading it 5 times, her daughter clamored for her to read it again.  My friend was exhausted, but she chose to read the book one last time. She recalled, “Was I having fun at that moment?  No way.  But was it the most meaningful thing I could imagine doing right then? Absolutely!”

Happiness comes in different forms, and we get to decide moment after moment what to pursue and what to let go.  As we delve further into the science of happiness, I’ll talk about the difference between what we think will make us happy, and what actually does.

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