I'm shocked at just how rare it seems to be to find organisations that genuinely have a feedback culture, one that clearly demonstrates that they understand how important feedback is. And on so many levels.

It doesn’t matter whether we look at this from an HR perspective, an employee perspective or a human perspective, the view is the same; it is essential. The more we normalise the giving and receiving of feedback, so that it’s not a special thing, but an everyday occurrence that we both expect and invite, the more tensions between people we’ll iron out. 

But giving meaningful, helpful and actionable feedback isn't easy.  

The reality is, you cannot be an effective leader or manager of people without mastering how to give and receive feedback effectively. I’ll go so far as to say many of the problems we encounter in business today are the result of people shying away from giving necessary feedback, coupled with the delusional or ego-centric failing to honestly consider the feedback they’ve been given. 

Let’s start by clarifying what feedback is and what it isn’t. 

Feedback is simply sharing useful information about the impact of someone’s behaviour or actions. It’s like holding a mirror up to them so they can clearly see this for themselves. By helpful I mean helpful to the receiver as it gives them some choices about potential action to take. That in turn may make it helpful to the giver, but the primary beneficiary must be the receiver. It's entirely the wrong approach to give you feedback because it makes me feel better or will make my life easier. This means we need to pay attention and check our motives.

There are broadly 2 distinct types of feedback; developmental and motivational. Gone are the days when we talk about positive and negative feedback as frankly, both of those seem to be more about opinion or judgement. Whichever type, feedback needs to be constructive and by that I mean actionable. Many years ago, I was taught the best little acronym to remind me to ensure my feedback is actionable. That acronym is AID, because feedback should after all aid people’s performance. So what does AID stand for? It’s Action, Impact, Do. What was their action or behaviour, what impact did it have and what could they do next time? By the end of the feedback conversation, and yes, it is a conversation, not a monologue, we both need to be clear about what they’ll do next time - more of the same or something different. 

If my behaviour or action had a really beneficial impact, motivational feedback will highlight what I can repeat. These kinds of 'warm strokes', as we sometimes refer to them, are really powerful motivating factors. They help the individual recognise what worked well and reinforce their sense of self-worth. If on the other hand, I’ve behaved in some way or done something that had a negative impact, I need that developmental feedback so that I can determine different ways of approaching a similar situation. And I need to be given that feedback as soon as possible, for delays mean that when someone finally realises they have been repeating a behaviour that has a negative impact, it has the potential to destroy their self-confidence and damage impair trust between us.

So the intention is that feedback is objective and non-judgemental. Both of these are really difficult in reality, as we all see things through the lens of our own values, morals and experience. Something I imagine we’re all too familiar with as introverts is that too many people give feedback that in essence is saying ‘be more like me!’ The familiar old push yourself forward, speak up more and integrate better. This is another reason to always check our intentions before giving feedback.

What this points to is the importance of planning the message, which is where introverts can be really good at giving effective feedback. We know we plan what we want to say rather than ‘shooting from the hip’ so the challenge is more often the actual saying of it! 

That moves us naturally into what makes it difficult, and I will take giving and receiving separately.

Concerns about giving feedback

The following examples are a combination of my own reasons and those shared with me by my introverted clients. See how many of these you relate to, and of course, you’ll have your own variations.

1. Worrying that, in spite of your planning, you’ll say the wrong thing. We know introverts often overthink things and give themselves a hard time if it’s not just so!

2. Concerned about how the other person or people will react. Introverts tend to dislike conflict and if we’ve been used to poorly constructed and delivered feedback, we may feel it’s normally rather confrontational. 

3. Lacking courage when the right moment presents itself. You had it planned but now the person is in front of you, you lose your bottle and chicken out

4. Questioning ‘who are you’ to be giving this feedback. For some who need to strengthen their sense of self-worth, they worry that people might think they’re too big for their boots. 

5. Worrying that the feedback might ruin the relationship you have with the receiver. I know lots of doom & gloom merchants will say that introverts hate people, but that's not introversion, that's misanthropy. Flourishing introverts need meaningful connections, but depending on your introvert type, you may only have a relatively superficial relationship with the person you’re giving feedback to. 

6. In contrast to the last point, having to give tough feedback to someone you know well and like a lot can be a challenge too. This frequently happens when people are promoted to manage the team they were recently a part of, or are faced with giving necessary feedback to a colleague they are friends with. 

7. Believing that people will leave if you share your honest feedback with them. This is a biggie and I’m working with some clients at the moment who do have retention and recruitment challenges. But, hanging on to the wrong people because at least they are a resource is not a good enough reason. 

Recognise any of those? 

The universal excuse I hear day in & day out is ‘we don’t have time!’ Here’s the thing though, if you’re a manager of people, giving feedback to help your team members grow and develop is one of your responsibilities. It’s not a nice to do, not a luxury. It’s part of the job description, so you'll need to find ways to develop your competencies and get comfortable with giving feedback.  

Anyone in employment has 3 basic rights 

1. The right to know what’s expected,
2. The right to know how they’re doing
3. The right to improve.

If you’re failing to let people know how they’re doing, you’re depriving them of two of their rights because if they don’t know how they’re doing, how can they improve? 

Many of the organisations I work with are experiencing a feedback famine and this drought of necessary communication has far-reaching consequences. 

So here are some of the golden rules for giving feedback, especially as an introvert.

• Ask questions first. Most people, unless they’re completely delusional, will have an idea about what’s gone well or not working. If you can invite them to share their elation or frustrations first, you may well find that offering the feedback is so much easier. After all, they’ve laid the groundwork for you. 

• Make it timely. Soon enough after the event so everyone remembers, but not necessarily immediately. The receiver needs to be in listening mode and if they’re still giving themselves a hard time over what happened, you’ll not reach a satisfactory outcome. As an introvert, you need time to plan your approach and maybe even prep your words. My cats have witnessed me dry-running more than their fair share of feedback rehearsals. 

• Keep it factual. Don’t ever agree to deliver feedback on behalf of someone else, unless it’s a client. People try to palm off giving difficult feedback as no one really enjoys giving it! You need to have witnessed the event because if you haven’t and the receiver says “well it didn’t really happen like that” you’ve got nowhere to go. Give the responsibility of giving the feedback to the person who experienced the impact.  

• Provide examples. Don’t talk in general terms as this doesn’t help people improve or keep doing the good stuff. “That’s great, thank you” is not effective feedback. If you’ve witnessed it, you’ll have the examples you need. Likewise, ripping up a piece of work in front of the person who completed it, and yes, I’ve witnessed that too, is not effective for so many reasons. 

• Tackle things sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will become for the person to effect change. Worse than that, the more humiliated they may feel that no one said anything sooner. As introverts, using your listening skills and empathy here will short-cut any emotional backlash. But, stay in the conversation. 

• Don’t use the feedback sandwich. Some of you will know this under a different name I suspect! I was taught this way back in the early 80s but we’re much more clued up now about what works and what doesn’t. The proportions are good, but the packaging isn’t. At least twice as much motivational as developmental is the ideal to aim for here. 

• Pick the right location. This probably goes without saying as most introverts I know don’t want to give feedback in public anyway. But, if it’s motivational feedback, and the receiver likes public recognition, (not everyone does), be prepared to give that feedback in open forum.  

So what about receiving feedback?

Lots of my introverted clients struggle with receiving feedback, motivational or developmental. Many of us are humble and don’t like the limelight when the feedback is motivational. We also tend to take the developmental feedback too personally and can give ourselves and ridiculously hard time. It’s important to be open to receiving, but, not all feedback that is given is of good quality, so here are my basic rules.

• Let’s start with that last point - Don’t take it personally. Well-structured and delivered feedback is about behaviour and actions, not a judgement about who we are as people. I know it won’t have always felt like that, and we’ve all had the ‘push yourself forward type of feedback’ but in the future, you need an assertive response to feedback that seems personal. I suggest something like “That’s an interesting suggestion and there are many situations where I know I stay a bit quiet. As an introvert, it’s important for me not too pushy, so can we explore how I might be authentically visible?” You’ll find your own way of saying this, but do push back so the feedback giver is more aware of your neurodiversity.    

• Ask for feedback at the start of a piece of work. One of the challenges I have is when people say at the completion of something, “Can I have some feedback”. My reaction as a reflective introvert is that if I knew at the start, I’d have been more attentive and noted things down during our time together. I don’t want to be put in the situation of making something up. That’s not integrity to me. These days, I ask at the outset “Is there anything in particular that you’re working to improve, that you want me to look out for?” This helps us all. 

• Accept feedback gratefully. If we reject or dismiss feedback that came from a place of good intention, it’ll stop coming. There’s a really old saying that feedback is a gift, so accept it as such. In fact, the incredibly successful introverted business owner Warren Buffet is quoted as saying "Honesty is a very expensive gift; just don't expect it from cheap people.".  

• Be discerning. Not all givers of feedback are skilled or have the right intentions. If it’s the first time you’ve heard the feedback, check it out with others you’ve worked with to make sure it’s not a style thing. Stay curious and see if there’s any truth in what is being offered, then decide if taking action is really the right thing to do. But, this doesn’t give you permission to dismiss the feedback because you don’t like it or the person who delivered it. 

• Ask for examples if they’re not forthcoming. I know there may be cases where you just want it to be over, but feedback is not complete without examples, so do ask for them. It’s what great leaders do so you have plenty of role models.

• Ask for time to think. I’ve used this approach so many times, especially if it’s likely to lead to a coaching conversation. I want time to get my thoughts clear in my own mind. Don’t leave it too long, but don’t be afraid to ask either.  

In summary, great managers and leaders proactively seek feedback as they are committed to serving their people well and want to understand how they can improve. How the feedback is received will determine how honestly it’s given in the future. Remember that Warren Buffet quote. If the feedback is ignored, or someone throws a strop or gets aggressive, then the feedback will dry to a barely discernible trickle at best.

Let’s stop the communication drought and keep that feedback river flowing, abundant with healthy intentions.