You only see their true colours when the narcissist removes their mask

It seems like one moment he’s promising you the world taking you to fancy restaurants and telling you he loves you, and the next minute you’re taking out an AVO/DVO on him. But you still miss him.

Trauma bond anyone?

Sad, but true story for many of my clients.

The thing is you don’t have to be an empath to be lured in by his charming personality, you just have to be someone who cares and has feelings.

This is why narcissists can see through and recognise other narcissists. Because they know how to use their emotions and control how they feel. I always joke and say if you want to catch a narcissist out, use another narcissist to do so.

In this article I will be referring to “he”, however please men don’t get your back in a knot because women can also be like this too.

He’s the Nicest Person in the Room

It’s easy to see why so many people think he’s so wonderful. After all, you thought he was something special at some stage.

His charisma and charm also meant that he can talk the talk and walk the walk when it comes to work, because he knows what he wants. He will also throw several people under a bus and then walk over them to cross the street to get what he wants. No remorse. No apology. But baby, he did it for you.

The narcissist can a room quicker than you can say “watch out he’s a narcissist” or “he’s no good”.

But as you now think of how much your friends towards the end would tell you how lucky you were, and what a great guy he was, they never saw what happened when the doors closed.

In the Beginning it was Wonderful

In the beginning it was wonderful.

Maybe it was the way that he held himself as he glides through a crowd of people, or the way he smiled at you that made you feel like the most important person in the world.

He’d hold you close to him, and tell you how much he loved you and would never let you go.

(and truth be known he didn’t let you go!)

He made you feel safe, and would listen to you complain about other people in your life that hurt you. He maybe even encouraged you to stop communicating with your mum, because he believes that she is no good.

The Wealthy Narcissist: The wealthy narcissist may shower you in gifts in the beginning, but towards the end he will use money to control you. He will expect you to quit your job and will tell you that he will look after you, yet provide you with a meager weekly allowance for groceries. He may stop you from spending your money, if it is not congruent to what he finds acceptable. Spending may also be one sided such as him buying himself fancy things, but not reciprocating with you.

The Poor Narcissist: Perhaps you felt really sorry for him because he had a hard life, and he has been out of work. Of course you’ll support him, after all you love him. So he stops looking for work, while you have to work all day. If you have kids this makes it worse, because of the laziness of the Narcissist he’s not going to do anything to help. He is after all he may be way too busy playing online games, gambling or doing things for himself to look after the kids.

Badmouthing them & Isolating you

Behind closed doors the mask would slip off, and he’d be a creature that you didn’t know existed.

At the beginning he was so nice to you, well that’s what you thought. He seemed so concerned about you and where you were. Who were you hanging out with? What time would you be back? Where are you going? He only asked these questions, he’d remind you, because he cares.

Then slowly but surely he’d make comments about the places you were hanging out at, and the people that you were hanging out with were no good. When you’d invite him out with you, he’d never come. Unless there was that one particular person there who he thought was interested in you.

Over time he’d keep nit picking about your friends. How Sally was a ‘drunk’, and that Tom was only hanging out with you so he could steal you from him.

Then the calls would start, one after another followed by a barrage of texts. Where are you? What time are you coming home? Why aren’t you answering? Why aren’t you home yet? It became easier just to end your night early than to spend it with your friends, so that you wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath when you got home.

Soon, you begin to start getting depressed because you know he’s going to ruin your night anyway. So you stop going out at all. After all, he’s right. All you need is him.

Perhaps Sally really is a drunk and maybe Tom is just trying to get into her pants?

No More Friends for You

Then it happens.

People know that you’re not going out anymore, so they stop inviting you. They stop calling you and texting you, because they know what your answer is going to be.

They no longer like the person that he has turned you into, and so they no longer like him. They don’t even come over anymore because they know he is going to be there — and it’s better not to be around him.

Friends start to see who he is, and maybe even family too.

He’ll make it so uncomfortable for you to have friends, that you won’t want to have anyone over. Subtle put downs to you, to see how much you will take. Making comments about things that he knows will make you feel awkward or uncomfortable.

There may even be that one attractive friend that comes over, that he makes it blatently obvious how ‘hot’ she is compared to you through flirting. In front of you to see if you’ll react.

So no more friends for you now. It will probably stay this way for a while.

But don’t delete them yet, you’ll need those friends later.

Over Time the Mask Will Slip Off

Over time the narcissist’s mask will begin to slip off and it will reveal their true colours. But by the time this has happened, it may be that you are now stuck in this relationship.

You perhaps have been convinced to move in with them, or they have just moved in with you (how did this happen so quickly?)

What the narcissist reveals to you, will not be the mask that they reveal to others. So when you do start to tell you friends and family about the way you have been treated, it will come as no surprise that they may not believe you or think that you are just overreacting.

“Give him a chance!” They will tell tell you.

“But he’s such a nice guy! Mmmhmmm

Well of course he seems nice to them, they don’t see what happens behind closed doors.1

Hi, I’m Annette. Single parent of two beautiful children and narcissistic abuse recovery counsellor. I chose this journey many years ago when I realised there was not enough support, for people like myself at the time, for narcissistic abuse. My journey as a single mum has had its’ ups and downs, meeting many narcissists along the way over the last 11 years. My mission to make a positive impact in the lives of others who have experienced narcissistic abuse, trauma and domestic violence through education and counselling. You can donate here by purchasing me a virtual coffee, 2 or more. Your support, whether big or small, becomes a lifeline . Your donation will help me continue my plight in helping others.

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