When you’re going through a tough time with your teen, its easy to feel that they’re emotionally manipulative, that they don’t appreciate you, that they’re disrespectful or rude.

And, if you feel they’re not listening to you, or you can’t get through to them, know that its not that they don’t want to listen to you…they will only listen to you if there is connection, if they feel you have their back, their best interests at heart, and if they feel truly seen, heard and understood.

What they don’t want is to be controlled, or judged or criticised or shamed. They don’t want to feel like they’re broken, that’s something is wrong with them, that it's their fault. They don’t want to be spoken “at”.

If you’re doing any of these things, then the connection is compromised. Just know that we are hard wired as humans for connection. And whilst it may feel like they don’t want to be connected to you, they actually do.

And, if you didn’t get what you really needed from your parents growing up, and now being a parent is requiring you to be the role model they need- it can feel overwhelming, and hard to know where to even start.

These years can feel excruciating- not because of them, but because of what it brings up in you- your own feelings of shame, of not feeling good enough, your own self judgement on your past when you felt you didn’t meet your own parents expectations.

You have to heal this so as not to project your own shame onto them.

Your teen needs you more than ever and It's crucial to recognise that the struggles your teen faces stem from a myriad of internal and external pressures. From grappling with identity to navigating the complexities of social friendships, relationship dynamics and technology- their world is a whirlwind of uncertainty and overwhelm.

And, they’re struggling to navigate their own feelings of shame, of feeling like a disappointment, a failure or not feeing good enough.

In order to bridge the gap and rebuild a connection, it's essential to:

Empathise- you have to be able to empathise with their world, their struggles.Acknowledge their feelings and validate their experiences, no matter how challenging they may seem.

Look beyond their behaviour- let go of thinking you know them, or whats best for them, release pre-conceived notions and truly LISTEN to them. See them for who they really are, feel where they’re at and understand their model of the world (not yours).

Engage with their interests- without judgement or criticism. Be a supportive presence in their world so that they feel accepted for who they are, not who you think they should be.

Set loving and firm boundaries that protect you and them. They need to know the limits in which they can operate, but never set boundaries in the heat of the moment.

Take ownership of your own behaviour and how you’re showing up. Are you modelling the behaviour you want to see in your teen, or are you trying to “win”, to exert your power and control? Take ownership for the times you haven’t shown up for them when they needed you.

Fill up your own cup- its impossible to parent from truth when you’re depleted, or stressed. You need to feel so grounded in who you are, that you don't take things personally. I know it can feel personal- but its not. Start with learning to love yourself first, so that you can love them in the way they need.

Have faith in them, in the relationship and never hold onto to past grievances or hurts. See the relationship newly every day. They’re growing and evolving every day, you need to meet them where they're at.

By adopting a parenting approach rooted in love, empathy, and understanding, you create a nurturing environment where your teen can thrive and flourish. Remember, your role as a parent is not to control or dictate but to guide and support, allowing your teen to blossom into the best version of themselves.