Take a look at the photo below. 

What do you notice? 

If you’re like me (and like most people), you probably noticed there’s a cookie missing. 

What are your first thoughts? 

“Oh, there’s a cookie missing.” (negativity bias)

“I wonder who took it.” (blame) 

“I should bake another one to replace!” (over-responsibility) 

“Why do we have a cookie missing?” (problem-focused mindset) 

“Someone is going to be left without a cookie!” (anxiety-fueled care) 

We will always tell ourselves a story when we have missing information. We make assumptions to deal with emotions, to support our beliefs, and ultimately, to protect ourselves. 

This article will show you:

1. what goes on in your brain and why you notice the missing cookie first;
2. how this impacts your health long-term
3. how you can re-wire yourself in order to focus on the positive
4. how to use solution-focus to be a better team leader.

WHY do we notice the missing cookie first?

We notice potential danger faster:

The section of the brain that’s designed to look for the negative has been operating for millions of years. It’s also much faster, because that’s what our lives were depending on. Those who noticed danger faster had also higher chances to escape from it, were the likelier survivors - and handed down these genes. 

The section of the brain that deals with cognition developed much later, is much slower and much less intuitive. 

Psychologist Jonathan Haidt introduced the metaphor of the rider and the elephant, where the elephant represents the visceral side of the brain, the limbic system, and the rider represents the prefrontal cortex, the side of the brain that’s associated with awareness and willpower. In new situations, the elephant takes charge.

(Of course, if you’re from Romania and are curious about neuroscience, you probably listened to the Mind Architect podcast and know all about this metaphor). 

We're wired to look for and focus on negativity:

The negativity bias (J. Rozin and J. Rozyman) states that we are much more likely to notice and dwell on negative events. So, it’s normal that when you see a tray of cookies with one empty spot, you will naturally notice that empty spot.

The same goes with one month of drop in sales, a single red dot on a heat map, or a moment of negative feedback in an otherwise successful career. It might be single, but the weight of it will cripple your mind, even if you don’t realize it. 

Noticing the missing cookie can damage your health

(and not because you’re drooling for one) 

Being hardwired for negativity means that, if left to its own devices, our brain will easily go into stress mode, and fabricate stories to fill in the missing gaps, stories that are more often than not, negative (see above). 

The newly developed field of psychoneuroimmunology studies the effect of the brain-nervous system connection and its long-term effects on the body. 

In stress situations, the brain enters into danger mode and starts producing chemicals to fight a potential wound. The raising level of toxin-fighting chemicals in the body creates an inflammation, or what we experience in contact with a virus or a wound. The impact of inflammation as a response to stress has now been proven scientifically, with researchers demonstrating direct connection between chronic stress, immunological disregulation and profound health consequences. 

You could easily say “Yeah, but that’s [only] chronic stress. My stress is healthy. It helps me achieve more.”

In fact, (1) we’re all living under stress. It’s a freakin’ pandemic. And (2) even “healthy stress”, when associated with a lack of emotional management (better said, not recognizing your emotions constructively and then moving on), can create chronic stress.

In his book “When The Body Says No”, Dr Gabor Mate states that self-repressing emotional patterns are major risk factors for several chronic diseases, with a clear cause being the imbalance between the brain and the immune system. 

How to re-wire yourself

We started with a cookie and you're probably by now worried for your health.

Our brains may be hardwired, but the ability to change is continuous. Several recent studies confirm neuroplasticity, the ability of the brain to build new neural networks and create new responses that become, with repetition, stronger than the ingrained ones. But it all starts with awareness and choice. 

Here are a few ways in which you can transform your reactions and re-wire your brain:

1. Become aware of the story. The first step is to become aware of the negative stories we tend to tell ourselves in novel situations. By becoming aware of these stories, we place a space between our thoughts and our response, and we can choose to believe them or not. 
2. Exercise choice: better said, use the rider to steer the elephant in another direction. Choose to direct your focus to the 15 existing cookies. It’s easier said than done, but here are some ways in which you can consciously practice awareness and a different response: practicing gratitude; breathing exercises; observing and integrating emotions and thoughts and bodily symptoms (“When I looked at the empty spot I felt uneasy, and my stomach clenched.”); bodily movement - getting up, taking a few steps, or light exercise. 
3. Practice within relationships. We influence each other. This process is called co-regulation, another old function of the mammal brain, teaching us to mirror the state of others around us, so that we can easily escape. But the reverse is also valid - when we feel safe, others feel safe too. After teaching our bodies that there’s no tiger looming around, we can proceed to connect, expressing an authentic self and creating real interdependence, a positive state that bounces back to us.

Here are a few ways in which you can practice openness and connection:

• recognizing and sharing vulnerability: â€œI notice 15 cookies and an empty spot in the middle. While that empty spot makes me uncomfortable, I want to underline we have 15 cookies for all of us to share.”
• giving credit. “I don’t know who made these cookies but I’d like to appreciate the effort that went into baking them.”
• curiosity and empathy: “What do YOU notice about these cookies? How did that make you feel?” 

Becoming a better leader through solution focus:

Finally, the whole point in steering the rider to a more healthy response for ourselves and others creates the ability to focus not on the missing cookie, but on WHAT WE’D LIKE INSTEAD.

The focus on the solution does not negate the problem - it does not close an eye to the missing cookie. Instead, it acknowledges it and moves on.

Practice this mindset with your teams, using a few of the following questions:

• “We all recognize the missing cookie. Now, what would we like to have instead?”
• “What resources could you use that could bring us to that desired solution?”
• “What would you do differently when pursuing this solution?”
• “What would be the first sign of progress you would notice?” 

Ultimately, becoming aware of our involuntary responses is the first step towards personal transformation, so that we can be first kind to ourselves, and ultimately bring the best in those around us.