Diversity and Inclusion is a subject that’s occupied my mind for some time. If I am honest, I still struggle to define it and I lack confidence in how to effectively implement it. 

Yesterday, I heard the best DEI (Diversity, equity, and inclusion) presentation of my life. The presenter was an amazing lady of colour, Yvonne Jackson. Not once did she refer to her race or to her gender. She didn’t teach us about micro-aggressions or what might be offensive to the minorities she represents. Instead, she spoke beautifully, compassionately and eloquently about dealing with differences between people, whatever and whoever they may be.

She argued that the challenge of diversity arises the moment someone in the room is in the minority. This could be the one non-English speaker, the one person of colour,  the one introvert, the one Democrat in Texas or the one person with ADHD watching a squirrel outside the window. All of these things represent diversity - a belief, a culture, an opinion, a behaviour etc., that causes a feeling of “otherness” in the room and a shift in the usual dynamics of a group.

Back in the Middle Ages, when I started working, simply being a female engineer in the tech industry made me a minority. An act of inclusion in the late 90s involved a man uttering a tirade of expletives followed by “Oops….apologies, there’s a lady in our presence.” Oh, how I loved all of the eyes in the room turning towards me, all looking for my reaction. I disliked being singled out. I disliked the unwanted attention. I disliked having to disguise my natural eye-roll reaction with a pleasant smile and a fake laugh, but this is nothing compared to the daily micro-aggressions that, say, a person of colour or a person with disabilities must experience. It must be exhausting.

Things have moved on since “expletive-gate”. I observe the growth in diversity in the workplace with genuine delight and I do see much more intent amongst individuals to behave inclusively. Intent is critical. If one goes into a situation intending to be open and respectful, the impact will be positive. That’s not to say that the impact will always be as one intended. 

Personally, I feel a lot of DEI training focuses on avoiding causing offence, but too little time is spent on learning how to do good repair. Let’s be realistic - mistakes will be made and offence may be taken.

Until very recently, if someone gave me negative feedback, I would jump immediately into the defensive. “But I only wanted……I only intended to……I just thought that…..” and I honestly never reflected on the issue of how the person I had offended felt. I was far more concerned with making myself feel better - far more concerned with restoring the status of “You didn’t do anything wrong, Georgina.” It took having someone in my life who kept rejecting my apologies again and again, until I isolated them down to “I really understand how you feel. That must be awful and I’m truly sorry.” 

Good repair is all about being empathetic to the feelings of the other - and only that! It’s a bit like playing the board game Snakes (or Chutes) and Ladders. The moment you utter the words “But I only wanted to….”, you’re riding that big fat snake or chute back down to square one. The moment the big “but” comes, you’ve demonstrated to the other person, that your apology was just a precursor to your need to absolve yourself of blame. 

So here’s the bad news. Georgina’s Quick Guide to Good Repair is not even guaranteed to work! You can’t always repair a situation, (and you must live with that), but you must always try. Apologise well, own your actions, take accountability - and then move on. You are responsible for your actions, but you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings.

In my little world, that is my definition of emotional resilience - learning to live with the feeling that I can’t make everything right and I can’t please everybody all of the time. But if my intent is good, I hold myself accountable when I screw up and I reflect on my actions, I am doing alright.

In Part Two, I’ll look at what comprises good intent, so that we don’t need to get the repair kit out as often! 

Your Wayfinder-in-Training