A Better Approach to Networking:-

Do you shy away from talking to new people at networking events? Have you ever walked into the room and felt a tightness in your chest as you stood there, sweating, wondering what to say? Most of us can relate to some version of this experience. Meeting strangers — especially in the context of work — is uncomfortable. Just the thought of networking can provoke discomfort and anxiety.

This is because, as humans, we have an innate need to be liked. Research shows we even have a tendency to connect our self-worth to the number of people who like us . Those of us who have a high need of approval place great importance on interpersonal relationships, and the thought of failing to make a great impression is stressful.

Many people also struggle with performance anxiety — the fear of failing to do something well and the consequences that will follow as a result. In the case of networking, we may be afraid that we will say the wrong thing, forget what we were going to say, or stumble over our words. Coupled with the need for approval, this can put us on edge and promote high levels of tension.

While we can’t predict who will like us, there is one thing that is in our sphere of control — managing our performance anxiety. One easy way to do this, while cultivating meaningful relationships and improving your odds of likeability, is asking more questions. People who approach conversations with a curious mindset and ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners and tend to build stronger connections.

It’s a trick that has served me throughout my career, and you can use it too. 

Focus on what you want to ask (not just what you want to say)

In the summer of 2019, I developed and delivered a weeklong class, She Leads: A Real-World Readiness Program, for female students in their final years of high school in Bermuda. The program addressed a range of topics, including a lecture titled “Nerves and Networking: Making the Connections That Matter.” After listening to all of their worries surrounding networking, I asked the students to make one change: approach networking with a spirit of inquiry and curiosity.

Instead of preparing what they would say when meeting someone new or how they would respond to questions from a stranger, I told them to focus on what they would ask in those same scenarios. Through multiple practice sessions, the nerves they associated with networking noticeably reduced. They felt more comfortable striking up conversations.

My observation isn’t limited to just this program. I teach this skill to the individuals I coach, mentor, and advise to similarly help reduce their anxiety. Every time, I see them gain more confidence in their ability to make and maintain new connections.

Move from “small talk” to “deep talk.”

When you connect with someone new, your natural inclination may be to ask standard small-talk questions like “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” However, recent research builds a compelling case to dig deeper.

While many people believe that intense chats should be reserved for close friends,  studies show that this belief is misguided. In comparison to “small talk,” intimate conversations are correlated with higher levels of happiness. We tend to underestimate how much other people, and especially first-time contacts, might enjoy and find satisfaction in meaningful conversation. In a dozen experiments with roughly 1,800 people — from business executives to visitors in public parks — researchers found that participants were more content and connected than they expected after having relatively deep conversations with people they had just met.

When meeting someone new, here are some conversational swaps you can make: 

• What do you do? ⇒ How do you deliver value to others through your work? What problems do you help others solve? What aspects of your work do you most enjoy and why? What do you least enjoy and why? What gives you the most meaning, satisfaction and joy at work? What aspects energize and excite you?
• What is your current role? ⇒ What roles and positions have led you to where you are today? Which ones were critical in your journey?
• Where are you from? ⇒ What places have you lived in and traveled to during your educational and career journey? Which ones have helped shape your trajectory? Which was your favorite and why?

Here are a few additional questions to try:

• What are you most looking forward to in your career? What is the next thing you want to cross off of your career bucket list?
• What’s the most daring thing you’ve done in your career?
• When have you failed? What did you learn?
• What’s the most influential and impactful piece of career advice you’ve ever received? How did it shape your approach?
• What’s top of mind for you right now? Is there any type of support you need right now?
• What was the highlight of your week? What’s been going well? What’s been going not so well? What challenges have you been grappling with?

While the research doesn’t suggest throwing all caution to the wind, it does suggests that: “The person next to you would probably be happier talking about their passions and purpose than the weather and “what’s up.”

Don’t let anxiety stop you from making new connections. This avoidance can be a career-limiting and potentially career-stalling move. If you go in with a curious mindset and come prepared with a few ask questions, you can build more authentic connections with people while keeping your fears at bay. Questions are a powerful way to catalyze connectivity at this foundational point in your career. The deeper the question, the deeper connection.