The most heart-wrenching moment of my life.

The lowest of the low. 

A sentence right to the heart of who I am.

I’ve procrastinated over writing this post for a long time but finally found the bravery to share what I’ve learnt. Thank you to those that have encouraged me to write this (you know who you are).

At the start of 2018, I made the incredibly tough decision to separate from the mother of my three beautiful children.

A decision I did not take lightly. A decision that has cost me friendships. A decision that made me feel judged, isolated and ostracised. A decision that caused me many sleepless nights as I wrestled with the choice to pursue my own happiness vs the inevitable heartbreak that would follow. 

2 ½ years later I’m still standing. A little bruised and a little greyer than before! 

But standing nonetheless. 

I’m now enjoying life with my 3 children, partner and her daughter... A blended family of six; complete with all the chaos and dysfunction of trying to raise children aged 11, 10, 6 and 5.

We have our own 'full' bubble…..!

I wanted to write about my experiences over the last few years; celebrating the highs and also acknowledging the lows. 

It’s my hope that by sharing openly, I can help others who are in a similar situation and give you the hope and confidence to carry on doing your best.

Family is everything. Especially in times of challenge and crisis. 

Rejection is hard to take.

And it can happen often.

And it never feels any less painful.

Your children are confused, upset and trying to make sense of the 'new world'. Their rejection of you is not permanent. The reasons that their parents separated is not their fault.

Remember - you are the adult. Be strong. Be consistent. Be understanding.

Above all, show them you love them and DO NOT GIVE UP. We love our children more than we can ever explain and care for them deeply.

This is the biggest test of your character - talk to your partner, your family, your friends. It can be excruciatingly hard.

But never, ever, EVER give up.

Invest in (and celebrate) good times

The time I spend with our children is so precious and I find that I am much more invested in making the most of that focused time. 

We do daft things - because that’s what children want to do! 

We have BBQs and fire pits in the middle of winter. They break health & safety rules by running around with a smoky branch they’ve lit in the fire. They recently went swimming in a stream fully clothed (supervised). They dye each others hair (unsupervised....). They create their own fun and come up with all sorts of random games.

Celebrate the good times - a lot! 

Cherish the moments. Take lots of photos, make videos. 

Have a favourite song you remember holidays by (‘Watermelon Sugar’ reminds our children of our holiday in the IOW this July every time it comes on). Its been on the radio twice as I've written this article. It makes me smile.

Listen really hard

I find that we also listen to each other much more actively. 

We seek our children’s views on what they want to do on our weekends rather than just dictate what we think they should do.

We’ve always championed that we all have an equal voice. We work hard to talk through the inevitable challenges that come with having 4 children. 

We supported our children in creating their own set of ‘House Rules’ (their idea!) to help them express their views and collectively take ownership of their space. We wanted to reinforce that is their house as much as it is ours.

Embrace opportunities to have open, honest conversations. Yes, you need to strike a balance between not over-sharing - but be authentic. Let them know how much you truly care and tell them how you feel.

Children are smarter than we give them credit for. Remember, you are teaching them habits for a lifetime and the ability to talk about how they feel (and why) is one of life’s most important skills to learn. 

️Be consistent. 

You can’t control what happens when they aren’t with you.

You can’t control what they may hear or be told. 

But you can control being consistent with who you are, how you act and how you reinforce your love for all of your children. 

Sometimes it feels like you’ve made real progress, only to then feel the despair of taking a step (or two) backwards.

You’ve got to accept that those things are part and parcel of this situation. And be ok with that. It comes with the territory. Its a normal and natural process.

Be sensitive to the fact that some of your children will struggle with the situation more than others. And require different help and support. 

Be patient. I recognise (hope!?) that I’ve got another 30-40 years of a relationship with all of our children. Something that upsets me (or them) today is one day out of many.

And that gives perspective and hope on some of the darker days.  

Treat the other parent with respect. Always. 

Work hard to maintain as positive a relationship as you can with your children’s other parent. 

Swallow your own personal frustration, even if things are not amicable. 

Make it about the children, not you (even if your annoyance is very valid!). 

Be aware of comparisonitis. Sometimes it can be really hard (and raw) dealing with the ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling. 

Celebrate the special bond your children have with the other parent. Talk positively about the other parent in front of the children. Always. 

Be kind to yourself

You are enough. You do your best. Make sure you take care of yourself.

When you don’t have your children take the time to do the things that you enjoy. The things that make you happy, that boost your mood, your health and your wellbeing. This is really important.

Be authentic to your parenting style.

Your children will grow up being able to compare different ways of living and view of the world. And make their own mind up on how to live. 

Be part of that.  

Tell me your story

If you are (or have been) in a similar situation I’d love to hear your experiences and stories. 

Be brave. Help others by sharing.

This article is dedicated to the most important people in my world as your stories are to yours.