The how-to guide for finding the right coach for you

So, your colleague has thrown the word ‘coach’ at you as something you should have? Your therapist thinks you’ve gone as far as you can with them and has suggested coaching? Or perhaps you, yourself, feeling stuck in your life and unsure how to shake things up, have heard that coaching might be the answer, but aren’t sure where to start? 

I don’t blame you. 

You don’t have to look far to find people who feel conned out of money from group coaching programs. Or those who have met with a coach only to find themselves bored listening to how wonderful  the coach is! So let’s dive into what coaching is and what attributes you might want to look for when hiring one.

But, first, who am I? With a fifteen year background in nursing and as someone who has had mentors and seen counsellors (therapy), I found myself still lost and unsure where to turn in searching for my first coach. 

So I thought I’d let you know what I have found in my own quest. Also, what it was about the coaching certification I chose, that made me want to buy it - and I’ll do all this without naming the business that won me over or selling to you in any way, I promise. There’s no affiliate links here, only references. And at the end you’ll find a checklist to help you choose the best coach for you. So let’s get started.

It may interest you to know that I didn’t exactly know what coaching was, as it turns out, when I started working with one, so let’s start there… The answer may surprise you. 

What EXACTLY is coaching? 

According to Van Nieuweburgh (2020) there has been no legal definition of coaching, so no wonder there’s been some confusion as to what it is! But in testament to how quickly things change in the industry, right on cue, the Black’s law dictionary now defines it as -

“Extending traditional training methods to direct the focus on (1). An individual’s needs and accomplishments, (2). Using close observation, and (3). Improving performance by impartial and nonjudgmental feedback.”

Everyone reading this will, of course, be called to certain words and my eyes were drawn at first to the word ‘extending’. Brilliant! Being a coach fits in well then with my ‘out the box’ neurodivergent mindset - I thought. 

But what does the word ‘traditional’ mean to you? Is it the medical model? Or is it those methods we used before to better our health like meditation, hypnotherapy, breath work? Perhaps this definition means a good coach should be aware of all? 

I certainly wanted both when having my babies. They drop out when I stand up, so I need great medical care to keep them.Then after having my first 9lb baby without any pain relief, I definitely needed all the hypnotherapy skills I’d honed when it was time for the second one! He arrived less than 2 hours after having my first contraction. 

 Next, the above definition of coaching’s first focus mentions the individual.

Question: How often does the coach you're interested in hiring mention their previous clients or at least what their clients want? Or is their website copy all about them?

Then, I am drawn to the word accomplishments. Because a coachee or client is an expert in their own lives. It’s like what Rollnick, Miller and Butler say in Motivational Interviewing : you wouldn’t go into a stranger's home and start moving the furniture around. You may ask if they want a suggestion and then offer one if they agree, once you know how they go about their daily lives in the house. 

But more often than not, watching peers being coached, it’s my experience that that great suggestion you had becomes useless. The conversation almost always takes a surprising turn. And in the end the answer to their problem, something they’ve discovered for themselves, wasn’t even something you were wondering about at the start.  For example, I coached a client who wanted to lose 7lb and while I was itching to do so I made no suggestions.  I asked a couple of questions, (later I was told insightful questions), and then suddenly we’re discussing how she can find more friends! With Pathological Demand Avoidance as part of her neurodivergent brain, it wasn’t being told what to do that would help, but accomplishing it with another person. 

Question: Does your coach see everyone as a whole person in charge of their own lives regardless of any labels, values or experiences? Or do they use shaming or derogatory remarks, or comments that patronise? 

Still looking at the definition of coaching, observation may sound obvious, but how many people are just waiting for their turn to speak and not actually listening? We’re all guilty of that from time to time. And if not, then how impartial are we when we laugh along with our clients at their jokes? But what if the coachee has always had a person laugh along with them and never had anyone hold space for them in a more serious way? I wonder how liberating that would feel. 

Question: Does the coach you’ve had an introductory call with speak for more than 25% of the time? Do they fill your silences with words- not giving you time to think? 

When I worked as a marketing coach interviewing people’s clients for them to see what they thought of my client’s processes and marketing I recorded conversations on Zoom. And then transcribed them thanks to Otter.ai which told you what percentage of the time I spoke. So I honed the ‘speak for less than 25%’ skill pretty quickly. And of course, it was important not to share bias. I had no emotional connection with what they would share as I deliberately didn’t get to know my client’s business until afterwards. I do find it more difficult coaching to keep a poker face rather than a grin, mind you. But you know what they say about practice… 

 

To be or not to be committed to the end result

Some coaches offer programs that give you a desired result. The result you want. Brilliant. Sometimes you may complete their program and get a different outcome than you expected, a better one. Because as every good marketer discovers you have to “give people what they want and then deliver what they need”. 

Another great sentence I’ve read many years ago and can’t remember who said it is (in my own words)… 

“Dream, set actionable goals, but don’t be attached to the outcome” 

Question: Do you like a ‘my way or the highway’ type of coach? Or have you failed at meeting goals in the past, most neurodivergent people do, for example, as goal setting has to look differently for us. Would you fare better with a more flexible approach? 

The first definition of coaching that I resonated with

Whitmore in 2009 described coaching as -

“Unlocking people’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them” 

And I resonated with this because my children don’t go to school and yet I don’t teach them. What I do is get out of their way, so that they can learn. If you’re interested in how this looks you’ll find a number of resources online if you Google Life learning, unschooling, natural learners or autonomous learning. 

Question: Does your coach make you feel autonomous in your own life? At the end of a session is the action plan something that you’ve chosen to do?

How do you know if your coach is any good? 

There are a lot of coaches out there that merely accreditate themselves. My previous client, a psychotherapist and executive coach, was appalled when a person on a nearby stall positioned themselves as a ‘trauma coach’ with no scientific understanding of trauma, which was apparent by the leaflets they gave out. And yet their booth was always full of people signing up. 

And that’s it isn’t it? People can say all the right things until one day you’re paying for something that doesn’t help or worse hinders. Or you find yourself considering selling their packages for them when you have no actual idea what problem it is they solve, as per another incredibly intelligent friend of mine. Good marketing’s a b*tch, I should know!

And it’s for this reason that when I chose a coach myself, as all good coaches will to avoid taking work home if nothing more, I chose one that was certified. The most well known certification for coaches, although not perfect I am sure, is the International Coaching Federation (ICF) and it certainly seems involved. For example, to finish becoming an Associate Coach I will need 100 hours of coaching practice and more hours under a mentor. And 75% of that coaching practice needs to be from paying clients. Now, you don’t need to head to the ICF’s rather confusing website, unless you’re looking to get your own program certified, but you can find courses through any number of organisations that are certified by them with a quick internet search that adds the letters ICF. 

I was after a course in neurodivergence - I had been told there wasn’t one. There is. I am up until 3 am completing it thanks to it being in American time zones. Still, the late nights are worth it to be a frontrunner in the UK on understanding how neurodivergence affects us from birth to death. And being a neurodivergent family, it’s great to learn more about us too. 

What is the difference between a coach, a mentor and a therapist? 

We’ve looked at what a coach is above, I’d also add that they are forward-looking while a therapist or counsellor focuses more on what went wrong in the past. A coach is not a trained therapist and if things get dark, or too much, they are not the best person to help you and should say as much. 

A mentor on the other hand is someone who has more experience than you in a certain area, someone there to share their wisdom with you in a top-down, hopefully pleasant, power dynamic. Whereas working with a coach you will remain the expert and the work together should be more collaborative. 

The checklist to choosing the right coach for you 

• Does your potential coach put you or their potential clients front and centre? 
• Do they avoid using shaming or patronising language?
• Do their processes work for you? Would you want to be told how to do something or figure out your own path together? 
• Have they met certain requirements through certification with a recognised body? 
• Do they avoid monopolising the conversation with their own thoughts and stories? Do you speak 75% of the time? 
• Do you have autonomy over your choices or do they feel more of a consultant or mentor and that works for you? 

I hope you’ve found this article helpful. I wish you all the best in your search. 

Nicci Lou AuDHDer, Life Learner, Confidence Coach, Beach Lover