Who’s Happy, Who’s Not?

Positive psychology is the empirical study of positive emotions, strength-based character and healthy institutions. Scientists explain that people have individual happiness “set-points,” levels of basic happiness that don’t change much no matter what life throws at them. Studies show that both paraplegics and lottery winners return to their innate happiness set-points within a year of the event that changed their lives, for ill or good. Though happiness is a hardwired result of genetics and the environment, you can raise your happiness set-point. To flip your switch and “practice happiness,” understand what adds to it and what diminishes it. Don’t buy into the “myth of more,” always needing something new to be happier. Don’t convince yourself that at some later, magic time – when you have the perfect job or loose 20 pounds ¬– you’ll be happy. When you quit chasing things you think will make you happy, you can be “happy for no reason.” Start by following these core “laws”:

• The “Law of Expansion” – Things that uplift you make you happy, so you feel expansive and light. When you’re not happy, your “energy” retracts, making you feel diminished, heavy and less capable.
• The “Law of Universal Support” – Does the universe support or “punish” you? AIDS patients who believe that the universe is benevolent stay healthier for longer than those who feel like victims of divine retribution. For two weeks, try to assume that whatever occurs is happening for good reason. Believe “the Universe is on your side.”
• The “Law of Attraction” – You draw into your life more of what’s already there, what you believe and what you do. When you’re happy, you’re a magnet for more of what makes you happy. Ask yourself what you truly desire. Whatever you focus on will grow in your life. Focus on debt and it will grow. Focus on abundance and you will have more. Imagine how you will feel when you’re “happy for no reason.”

The “Happiness Home”

Happiness is possible and you and no one else are responsible for it. Identify and change the habits that obstruct your happiness. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself, blaming yourself or others, and dwelling on past pain. Building your internal “happiness home,” a joint construction of your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual states, requires erecting seven “pillars” in your life. Each one includes three habits (drawn from interviews with “100 deeply happy people”) that embody happier practices. The first pillar is your “foundation”: the belief that you really can possess happiness. Pillars two, three, four and five are “the mind, the heart, the body and the soul.” The sixth pillar, or “roof,” is your “purpose and passion,” and the seventh pillar is “the garden” where you cultivate relationships. Strengthening one area strengthens your entire life. Gradually implement these seven steps and 21 habits. Be content to progress incrementally.

One: The “Foundation – Take Ownership of Your Happiness”

Lay the basis for building personal happiness by cultivating the first three happiness habits:

1. “Focus on the solution” – Solving problems is empowering and makes you happier. Someone maliciously laced Aerial Gilbert’s eye drops with lye, blinding this very competent, independent woman in an instant. After spending a year in bed feeling that life was cruel, she decided not to waste her life hiding from the world feeling sorry for herself. Excited by the idea of having a guide dog companion, she got out of bed and made arrangements to get one. To live independently with a guide dog, she had to learn new skills and relearn daily tasks. Despite the hard work and inevitable frustration, when she was matched with Webster, her joie de vivre returned after so much hopelessness. She was reconnected to a fulfilling life. Now, years later, she feels more at peace than she did when she was sighted.
2. “Look for the lesson and the gift” – Instead of blaming others or life itself for your woes, believe that the universe supports you. Ask if your travails hold a lesson or a gift.
3. “Make peace with yourself” – Even if facing your feelings about past traumas is painful, it’s worthwhile. Until you embrace your experiences, and make peace with difficult past situations, you will not be free to pursue happiness. Perhaps you owe someone money but can’t locate them. Donate the sum to charity. Do something now to make amends.

Two: “The Pillar of the Mind – Don’t Believe Everything You Think”

Learn to quench negative thinking and refocus on happiness by using these practices:

1. “Question your thoughts” – Given millennia of “fight-or-flight” survival hardwiring, your brain is programmed to react quickly to negative thoughts and perceived threats. Some 80% of your daily 60,000 thoughts are negative, and very likely mirror the ones you had yesterday. Luckily, you don’t need to believe thoughts that undermine you, because what you think isn’t always true. Happy people question their dire thoughts, but don’t oppose or dwell on them. They focus on the positives in their thinking. Byron Katie suggests questioning your underlying beliefs and the stories you tell yourself. When you are angry or hurt, look at your version of the story. Ask yourself if you are certain it is true. Examine your reactions to your belief about your situation. Consider who you might be if you didn’t hold that belief. Create a statement that expresses the exact opposite thought, to get a feel for the opposing “truth.”
2. “Go beyond the mind and let go” – Lester Levenson’s “Sedona Method” asserts that thoughts and feelings are like a pen in your hand. Grip it tightly and soon that hard grip will feel normal. But hold it loosely and, if you like, you can turn your hand over and drop the pen. Similarly, you can let go of negative thoughts and emotions.
3. “Incline your mind toward joy” – Cultivate thoughts that give you positive support. Bestow silent happiness awards, like “Best Smile Today.”

Three: “The Pillar of the Heart – Let Love Lead”

Turning gratitude, forgiveness and kindness into daily habits helps you feel more joyful.

1. “Focus on gratitude” – Everyone faces the same fears and setbacks, but happy people choose love and gratitude. For three weeks, before going to sleep each night, list five things that make you feel grateful. How does your outlook change?
2. “Practice forgiveness” – Sometimes extending forgiveness is hard. But, forgiveness lightens your emotional load and makes space within you for peace and love. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting an injury or letting a harmful person back in your life. More than relief, forgiveness lets you set down your burden of anger and pain.
3. “Spread loving kindness” – Contributing to other peoples’ happiness improves your own. A despairing woman named CJ struggled with severely debilitating autoimmune disease. Moved by a Buddhist writer, she poured her heart out to a lama who told her, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start focusing on the happiness of others.” That wasn’t what CJ wanted to hear, but she followed his advice, and consciously wished for the happiness of her friends and relatives. Eventually she wished for the happiness of strangers and people she didn’t even like. She volunteered where she could and performed random acts of kindness. In a year, she transformed her life and is on the way back to strong health. Practice loving kindness by wishing yourself, your family, friends and every being in the world safety, happiness, good health and comfort.

Four: “The Pillar of the Body – Make Your Cells Happy

To be happy, try to stay healthy. Take care of your physical self with these three habits:

1. “Nourish your body” – When your body is healthy and functioning well, even your cells know it and your brain responds with happiness-boosting neuro-chemicals, which depend on specific amino acids. Don’t allow deficiencies in those substances to sink your mood. Fuel your body with whole foods. Drink plenty of water. Dump sugar – it robs you of energy; ditch starchy carbohydrates and caffeine.
2. “Energize your body” – Regular exercise keeps happiness brain chemicals pumping. Breathe deeply from your core to deliver oxygen to all your cells.
3. “Tune in to your body’s wisdom” – Listen to your body tell you if it needs food, drink, rest or rejuvenation. Breathe deeply and, as you do, be aware of the sensations in your body. Ask your body what will heal it.

Five: “The Pillar of the Soul – Plug Yourself Into Spirit”

Elevate your sense of happiness by strengthening your spiritual side in three ways:

1. “Invite connection to your higher power” – Openness to “spirit” is healthy; to be more open, try meditation. If you can’t meditate 20 minutes daily, try “pause practice” – stopping seven times a day to be aware of your breathing and surroundings.
2. “Listen to your inner voice” – Your “inner voice” is telling you something important if you tune in to it. Find a calm place to listen to your inner voice answer the questions you pose it. Write your question at the top of the page and then write down what you hear back, no matter what it is, without editing yourself. Opening a book at random can give you unexpected insight into a problem you’re mulling.
3. “Trust life’s unfolding” – Life’s outcomes are not always under your control, as hard as that is to accept. Sometimes letting go of worry and letting the universe do the driving is wise. Write sincerely to your “higher power,” however you see it. Describe a situation you’d like to see improved. Ask for the guidance you need. Set the letter aside and surrender your aspirations to your “higher power” or the universe.

Six: “The Roof – Live a Life Inspired by Purpose”

Heed your internal “sense of direction” to increase your contentment:

1. “Find your passion” – Happiness psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi identified the elements that create “flow,” which happens when you’re so challenged, energized and absorbed by your work that time seems to fall away. Studies indicate that such commitment to a deep purpose helps people live longer, healthier, happier lives.
2. “Follow the inspiration of the moment” – Being clear about your passions sharpens your intuition. Be inspired by a deep understanding of how to fulfill your ideals and receptive to little prompts from within to make a call, pick up a book or go in a store.
3. “Contribute to something greater than yourself” – Find a way to imbue your job with a deeper sense of purpose. Your help is welcome with many good causes.

Seven: “The Garden – Cultivate Nourishing Relationships”

Your connections with people can add joy to your life. Fortify them with these habits:

1. “Tend to your relationships” – “Mirror neurons” amplify traits or actions in your mind. Because these neurons pick up on people’s emotional status, your choice of who you want around you matters. Do your relationships add to your happiness? Women “tend and befriend” in response to stress. Talking with friends is biology’s way of helping them cope. Men are biologically programmed to “problem solve” instead. Resist the pull of “toxic people,” by consciously not mirroring their body language. Negativity can easily grab hold of your body, then your consciousness. Imagine that an invisible field protects your emotions. Avoid emotional vampires who leave you feeling depleted. Exemplify the behavior you’d like them to display.
2. “Surround yourself with support” – Create a “dream team” network of five to seven friends who can support you, and share your hopes for the future. This dream team should inspire you to keep reaching for your goals. Like “Happy 100” member Nancy Fursetzer, who surrounds her workspace with quotes from historical figures, such as Gandhi and Helen Keller, you can construct a group of inspiring personal heroes.
3. “See the world as your family” – Humans have many things in common despite their differences. Feel that you belong to a “shared world.” Relate to people as if they are your relatives; wish them happiness and health. See how that makes you feel.

Bentley Moore Executive

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About the Author

Marci Shimoff, co-author of the bestseller Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul and other Chicken Soup books, is a keynote speaker and transformational-practices teacher. Carol Kline also co-authored many Chicken Soup for the Soul titles.