Ever Yield to a Temptation Out of Concern for Someone Else?
I love all fables, paradoxes, koans, teaching stories, and aphorisms. Thatâs one reason I love to keep my Secrets of Adulthood â my own contribution.
For this reason, when I was last wandering through the library, I couldnât resist pulling out William Marchâs book, 99 Fables.
And I was particularly struck by Fable #4, âThe Persimmon Tree,â about a loophole-invoking possum.
In the fable, a possum looks longingly at the delicious persimmons hanging from the foxâs tree, and thinks about how badly he wants one. ââNo,â he said. âThe fox is my friend and benefactor, and he trusts me. Oh, no!ââ
Several days later, he stares again at the persimmon tree, where the fruits had reached their finest flavor. His mouth waters, but he turns away and goes home.
There, he sees his wife, who says, ââWhat a morning this would be for eating persimmons! When I think how sweet they areâ¦I could break down and cry my eyes out.ââ
The possum says, ââThat settles it. Iâll take those persimmons if itâs the last thing I ever doâ¦Why, what sort of a creature would I be if I deprived my sweet, faithful wife of persimmonsâendangering her health and making her cry her dear eyes out.ââ
The fable concludes: âWe often do for the sake of others what we would like to do for ourselves.â
In Better Than Before, my book about habits, my favorite chapter (I admit it, I have a favorite) is the chapter on the Strategy of Loophole-Spotting.
I identify the ten â yes, ten â categories of loopholes. (Hereâs a list of all ten.) Now, whatâs a loophole? A loophole is a justification that we invoke to excuse us from keeping this particular action or habit in this particular situation. Weâre not mindfully making exceptions, weâre invoking a loophole as an excuse.
The possum is invoking the âconcern for othersâ loophole. We tell ourselves that weâre acting out of consideration for others and making generous, unselfish decisions. Or, more strategically, we decide we must do something in order to fit in to a social situation.
It will hurt my girlfriendâs feelings if I get up early to write.
Iâm not buying this junk food for me, I have to keep it around for others.
So many people need me, thereâs no time to focus on my own health.
It would be so rude to go to a friendâs birthday party and not eat a piece of birthday cake.
I donât want to seem holier-than-thou.
Changing my schedule would inconvenience other people.
I canât ask my partner to stay with the kids while I go to class.
At a business dinner, if everyone is drinking, it would seem weird if I didnât drink. (This loophole comes up a lot with drinking. Teenagers arenât the only ones to feel peer pressure to drink, it seems.)
We all have the few loopholes that we invoke most readily. My own personal favorite is the false choice loophole.
Do you agree with the moral of the fable, that âWe often do for the sake of others what we would like to do for ourselvesâ?
Have you ever done something that you thought you shouldnât, for the benefit of someone else? This loophole is tricky, because sometimes to do that is a form of virtue, and other times, a form of self-deception.
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Recognizing which of the ten categories of Loopholes is most alluring to you is one way to use self-knowledge to strengthen your habits. Another way? Figure out where you fit in my Four Tendencies framework. Take this Quiz to find out. I'm very gratified that so many thousands of people have already taken it.
My new book about habits is called Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. Habit is the most fascinating subject ever. And guess what's? It's not hard to change your habits--if you know how. Info here.
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Gretchen Rubin is the author of the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project and Happier at Home. She writes about happiness and habit-formation at gretchenrubin.com. Follow her here by clicking the yellow FOLLOW button, on Twitter, @gretchenrubin, on Facebook, facebook.com/GretchenRubin
Photo: Toshihiro Gamo, flickr
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9y"Have you ever done something that you thought you shouldnât, for the benefit of someone else? This loophole is tricky, because sometimes to do that is a form of virtue, and other times, a form of self-deception." Wow, this really is an amazing point, and really underscores the importance of getting to understand our motivations and personal patterns. Perhaps for every time we teach a child the importance of compromising we should equally spend time teaching him/her about holding onto his/her principles, which I guess would eventually need to include diplomacy :-)