I’ve been thinking about why it can be so tantalizingly difficult to utter such a simple, two-letter word - no. 

This month, I found myself in profound conversations with two remarkable women. They are two intelligent, kind, and generous people, yet each struggles to embrace the power of ‘no’ in their lives.

One had vowed to a year of ‘no’ - an entire year dedicated to this single, sacred word - a radical move driven by the recognition she’d been caught up in a whirlwind of over commitment and a ceaseless striving for more. She yearned to stop, to honour her health, sanity, and happiness.

Though seemingly different, the other lady’s story echoed the same theme. She was trapped in a cycle of saying ‘yes’ to endless family requests, even when her well-being suffered. When asked why she didn’t say ‘no,’ she looked startled, explaining that it felt futile - they wouldn’t listen anyway.

These two stories are distinct, but in their essence, they point to something more universal. We (especially women) find it difficult to say no, decline requests from others, and speak our truth with ease and confidence. 

So, why does such a simple word escape us like an elusive whisper in the wind?

I think there are three main reasons:

1. Social and Cultural Norms: From a young age, women are moulded into the role of “givers.” We prioritize care and the needs of others, often relegating our desires as secondary and, heaven forbid, selfish. This social conditioning permeates work environments where women must walk a delicate tightrope, needing to be confident and competent, warm, and generous. The fear of being seen as unlikable or cold can profoundly impact our careers.
2. Internalized Assumptions: Over the years, we’ve often watched women in our lives say ‘yes’ to the point of exhaustion. We’ve internalized that self-worth is intrinsically tied to what we do for others, and as a result, other people’s needs perpetually outweigh our own.
3. Fear of Conflict: The mere thought of conflict sends shivers down our spines. We fear other people responding negatively, and our bodies instinctively shy away from potentially challenging situations. We’re rarely taught the art of navigating conflict, let alone mastering it, so we avoid it at all costs. 

So, how can we make it easier to say ‘no’ with confidence, ease, and clarity?

1. Clarify Your Priorities: To say ‘no’ confidently, you must first know what truly matters to you. Know what brings the most joy and value to your life.  Remember, you can’t be everywhere and do everything at once.
2. Know your boundaries - They’re not walls to keep people out but a way to honour what you need to be your true self and fully engage with others. They’re like your superpower, allowing you to give your best. Remember, you don’t need to justify or defend them to anyone but yourself. When your boundaries are clear, you become more courageous, honest, and grounded in your choices. You won’t easily be swayed or coerced. Boundaries don’t need defending; they need communicating. It’s easier to be honest with yourself and others when you know what’s right for you.
3. Practice, Practice, Practice: Saying ‘no’ is like a muscle; it strengthens with use. Begin with low-risk situations and people you feel comfortable with. Take your time to respond, say, “Thank you. I’ll need to think about that and get back to you.” And always remember, “No, thank you” is a complete sentence.
4. Be Kind: When you’re at ease, saying ‘no’ becomes effortless. Smile, be gentle, and remain truthful. No apologies or justifications are needed. You don’t have to explain your reasons.

In the words of Natalie Lue (author of the book The Joy of Saying No): "We ultimately don't say no because we're afraid. We're afraid of conflict. We're afraid of confrontation. We are afraid of being abandoned or rejected. As women, we must understand that we've been taught that everybody else's approval matters more than what we think of ourselves." 

Saying no is a journey, my friends and each time we say ‘no’ gracefully and with ease, we honour ourselves and our boundaries and encourage others to honour and respect us. 

So, if you knew that what you need and want is just as important as what anyone else wants from you, what might you start saying no to today?  I’d love to know. 

Thank you so much for being here and journeying with me; I love knowing you are there.  

With love and ease, Sophie

And finally, a few things I loved this month which you might enjoy too: 

• How to say no  - templates for saying no to anything.
• Alexandra Franzen's - How to say no to everything ever
• Three short TED talks on the theme of no - How we say no matters , Having the courage to say no and The Art of saying no. 
• How gratitude changes you and your brain 
• If you want to learn more about why conflict can be so difficult, I ran a masterclass  on this topic last year. You can watch the recording at any time.
• “Do not fear silence; make peace with silence, for it is in the quiet moments that you will hear a message just for you,” - this short video gave me goosebumps. 

Ready to make a difference?

The remaining courses of 2024 are booking up fast, but there are still a few spaces available.

The Time to Think Thinking Partnership Course final date of 2024 begins on the 12th November. Spend the 12th and 13th with me in Edale and the 3rd day online in December.

Great things happen when you're in a group of great people together in a Thinking Environment, these small, intimate gatherings enable you to meet like-minded people, bring your own questions, connect and learn. The next Thinking Hub is on the 18th October so sign up quick!

Have you been on a Thinking Partnership course? I've created a free Practice Space to develop and expand your skills with a like-minded group of people. The next session is on the 13th December 2024.

And finally the Thoughtful Book Club is back on the 6th December, we're looking at Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, I'd love it if you joined us!

Journal prompts for October

Some guided questions for those who like to write and think simultaneously - use any that resonate and discard any that don’t. 

• When you listen deeply, what does your intuition want you to hear?
• What is a decision you need to make but have been putting off? What will help you move forward with it?
• Write the word Enough at the top of a blank page - what do you want or need to say enough to?
• What do you need to let go of in your work or life? What is no longer useful or necessary?
• What, or who have you outgrown?
• What do you need to do now to allow something new to emerge in time for Spring?
• What three things stand out as best for you this past year? What three things would you like to do more of next year? What thing things have you learned the most from?
• What is staring you in the face about a relationship in your life that you don't want to look at.

The Swan - Rainer Maria Rilke

This laboring through what is still undone,

as though, legs bound, we hobbled along the way,

is like the awkward walking of the swan.

And dying-to let go, no longer feel

the solid ground we stand on every day-

is like anxious letting himself fall into waters,

which receive him gently and which,

as though with reverence and joy,

draw back past him in streams on either side;

while, infinitely silent and aware,

in his full majesty and ever more indifferent,

he condescends to glide.

I always love hearing how you are, what you've been enjoying reading and any sharing suggestions. Just send me a message to share your thoughts and ideas.Visit my website for ways we can work together .