Death is an event

Loss is a feeling

Grief is a process

The year 2015 - 6 years ago, I lost my parents. Every time I tell people that, I get the comment and question: WOW! Both at the same time? I have thought about that question and the answer is NO but then in my mind, it is YES.

My dad passed away very suddenly from complications from a car accident he had 2 years prior. He was on his way back from a long recovery, on his feet, back to work and we (Myself, My husband, and Son) had purchased a flight in February to travel from California to Nigeria to visit him in May. Well, He didn't make it to May. He passed in April and the trip ended up being for his funeral.

I was at home in San Diego, CA when he passed away in Nigeria.

In August 2015, 4 months later my mom passed away while I was on the phone with my sister where we had spent an extended video call together. I had just prayed for her and honestly NEVER expected she was passing. We stayed on the phone for a while in shock after the medical team left - sort of expecting her to wake up.

I was at work in San Diego, CA when she passed away in Nigeria.

It's 6 years this year and I have had a lot of very emotional moments as usually happens when April rolls around. I was fortunate for the first time this year to enjoy a few "zoom memories call" with a few family members from Europe, Canada, Nigeria to remember my dad this last weekend and it was beautiful.

I recently had a professional zoom video meeting with someone who just casually said "I lost my dad to Covid last year and the shock and pain is a lot". This reminds me of my experience and also the realization that my story of loss and dealing, from a distance, is the story of thousands of people in the last year. Losing someone you love is always hard but even harder when it's sudden ( well maybe you never really expect death) but especially when you are far away and even further from others who share the love - extended family.

As the first of 6, I had to deal with a lot of logistics from a distance, take care of my own nuclear family, keep working as long as I could so I could take extended days for the funeral trips to Nigeria, all while there were various levels of family drama. I hurt, I cried, I screamed (Internally at God mostly) and outwardly a few times and I mostly wanted to yell at everyone "It's never going to be ok until I get my parents back!!! I don't care about how YOU hurt".I thought of sharing this note this season because I see a LOT of parallels. This season, I know a lot of people have done that.

Lost a loved one: Directly from #COVID #Covid19; Indirectly from COVID complicated issues. All against the backdrop of continuous social injustice, economic stress, pandemic fear, and political unrest across the world. Adding on multiple mass shootings now and the high suicide rates it's all a LOT and I wanted to provide some encouragement.

First BREATHE.

You lost someone and it's not selfish to ignore everything else around the world and breathe.

Take care of YOU first. Death is an event that you can't change. Its happened. But a lot of people love and need YOU.

Find your 'Crew'. It could be 3, 2, or even 1 person with whom you can be real, either being silent on the phone, cry with without a need for words or really talk. Find who that is and lean on them. You don't have to respond to every call. Just LEAN for YOU and take time to let yourself be vulnerable too. It's ok to shut out all the other world events and news and let yourself process your loss in your way.

Grief is a process that can even be harder with distance but give it time. Give yourself as long as you need. It can't get worse than death. They are gone but you are STILL here.

It probably won't ever stop hurting BUT Remember - NOW and every day you carry your loved ones with you everywhere and slowly but surely you will learn to lean onto that.