Gossip and ally-seeking. If we’re honest most of us have done it. Someone does or says something which triggers us and we call an ally for a BMW (bitch, moan and whine). Whether we do that at the water-cooler or on Slack, those conversations are toxic.

Perhaps more insidious are those clever, patronising gossips that mask themselves as ‘helpful’. (Adopt condescending tone here) ‘I’m just so worried about Margot… she doesn’t doesn’t seem to be coping at all well…’. Smile on the face, knife in the back.

Gossip doesn’t solve a problem. It just soothes our bruised egos. It reaffirms our world view as we build allies who tell us ‘Yes you’re right Mark is just SO rude in meetings… no it’s not your fault at all… I completely understand’. Gossip fans our own sense of self-righteousness as we point out all the ways in which we think we’re superior to someone else.

While gossip doesn’t solve a problem it does create a raft of them: dishonesty, silos, bubbling resentments to name but a few.

Of course, the solution is simple: don’t talk about other people, talk to them. Simple but not necessarily easy. It requires bravery, kindness, consideration and it requires you to park your ego. 

Other than role-modelling the highest personal 'no gossip' standards yourself (crucial), how do you help a team avoid a toxic gossip/resentment culture?

First, understand where bubbling resentments and gossip come from: 

• misunderstanding (of our own impact and often of other people’s intent)
• lack of agreement (on the principles of behaviour we up-hold in this team)
• lack of constructive feedback (when people step outside of this agreement)

We’ve done an experiment on unpicking misunderstandings and one on how to give feedback so today’s experiment is about creating a behavioural agreement... a team charter.

This experiment doesn't take long initially (say an hour with a team of 6 or 7) but it does need repetition and revisiting to take root. If you’re going to use this exercise as anything other than a sop, please know you’ll want to refer back to it at least monthly for 6 months. I advise against starting it if you’re not able to give it that level of attention.

Your Leadership Experiment - Creating a Team Charter

Step 1 - Let your team know you’ll be working together to create a team charter - a list of between 5 and 7 agreements about how you will behave with each other.

Step 2 - Ask the team “What behaviours do you think we need to honour in order for us individually, and as a team, to work at our best?” Facilitate this conversation but avoid leading it or even contributing that much. See how much the team can come up with without your intervention. If you have a large team or a group of introverts, you may ask them to work in pairs/small groups first then ask each group to share their thoughts.

Step 3 - As you facilitate this be aware of a couple of things:

• You want to aim for identifiable behaviours e.g. we focus on problem-solving, not just problem-identifying’.
• If anyone comes up with the perennial 'trust' and 'honesty' remember these are NOT behavioural agreements - they’re the result of behavioural agreements. If these do come up ask the question ‘How will we need to behave in order to have trust/encourage honesty?’
• Keep the conversation focussed on constructive, future-focused solutions.

Step 4 - Once you have a shortlist, ask people to reflect on a situation which has triggered them in the past 3 months. Ask ‘If the team was honouring these behaviours would the situation have arisen?” If the answer is yes, you need another agreement. This is a good moment for you to add anything you think the team may have missed.

Step 5 - Ask the team ‘How will we collectively ensure we are honouring these commitments? How do you want another team member to let you know if you’ve slipped?’

Step 6 - The crucial follow up. Once you’ve agreed this list you need to refer back to it regularly while people build new behavioural habits. At least monthly, email the list to the team ahead of a meeting and ask them to reflect on 

• situations in the last month where the team/an individual has done a great job
• situations in the past month where I could have done better on one of these

Ask each team member to share and check with the group to see if you need to edit, amend or add to the list.

Step 7 - If you see a member of the team openly flout an agreement you must address it. If you don’t the team will think you weren’t serious and you’ll be back to square one. A simple ‘Bob can we have a chat after the meeting’ and a quiet 121 follow up chat will probably do the trick. Don’t forget the rules of feedback.

Have fun and let me know what you discover.