Conversations and Connectedness. A Solutions Focus approach to Loneliness.
Loneliness is an evocative word. It sounds almost romantic when it appears in Alan Sillitoe's great story title, ‘The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner’.
But as an experience, it’s no fun. No fun for George, a retired engineer who goes to his community centre in South London a couple of times each week and ‘Just wants to go home and talk to someone about the day’s events and get a hug'.
And according to Radio 4’s recent survey, it's equally unwelcome for an increasing range and number of people experiencing loneliness.
What does a Solutions Focus approach have to offer on the topic? Well, an SF practitioner is more likely to turn a conversation towards ‘What would you like to feel instead?’ The usual answer to this from someone who is lonely is that they would like to feel ‘More connected'. And then we can have a conversation about connectedness, about how they are managing loneliness - and the resources that must be evident in doing that.
We might introduce a scale. One client found that very grounding, as they rated themselves currently at a 7. They added that on another day it might be a 1 or 2, which prompted a 'life fluctuates’ discussion. A conversation with a scale defuses the grip of a problem on a person.
And, of course, we don’t give advice. And that's good because it's usually it's not advice that people need. We've already heard 'we should get out more'. George is not looking for advice. He already gets out to do his voluntary work. For him the solution is not being told to ‘do more things’.
We know quite a bit about loneliness. There are deep-seated trends economically and socially towards isolation, individualism and loneliness. We also know that being in community is the top health tip available to us. Social Isolation is ahead of smoking or lack of exercise or obesity as a predictor of ill-health and earlier death. In the UK, we know that funding cuts mean that bulwarks against loneliness, such as community centres, are shutting and other resources are scaled back.
We also know that people can look connected and be in touch with family and friends, but feel lonely nonetheless. It’s lonely at the top. In organisations, sometimes the boss has no support network and may call on a coach to help them. Managers feel more isolated when promoted up the ranks: no one wants to go out with you any more, at precisely that vulnerable moment when you want to feel included.
If we regard loneliness as a story that people tell themselves, then we have a solutions-focused entry point into conversations that will make a difference. Instead of focusing on a loneliness story, we can build up other tales. When are you feeling more connected? What communities are you part of? Which of your identities give you more of a sense of community?
The whole thrust of our solutions-focused practice is interactional and communitarian. Our observations and questions counter the treating of people as isolated and as individual. We ask who will notice, who might respond. And our conversations encourage agency, the sense that our clients are positioned to do something useful - and almost any action can be an antidote to feelings we don't want to linger and stories which feed on fragments of isolation and helpless victim-hood.
Retired Learning and Development professional
5yA thought provoking article Paul. I agree that Solutions Focus approaches have much to offer when dealing with loneliness. As you say every case is different, not just from each other, but often from day to day. Loneliness can be seen as a state of mind rather than a state of being, as such we have much more power to change that ourselves. Solution focus conversations that: explore when we don’t feel lonely; seeking instances of what works to make us feel more “connectedâ€; and small steps towards more of that, can be of great value in themselves. Sometime we need others to ask the questions initially, as solution focus practitioners we can help start the conversation and teach the discipline. For everyone, learning to use solution focus approaches within our own internal dialogue has a myriad of potential benefits, dealing with our own loneliness is just one of these.
Leadership | Team Development | Culture | Excellence in Service
5yEvery situation has a different set of circumstances I.e. A New Mum or Dad, A Bereaved Spouse or “New to the Area†or an Unmarried Singleton etc etc. However, we all have the opportunity to be the “solution†to someone else’s loneliness challenge. Fighting our own fears and overcoming our own loneliness challenge by finding ways to bless others. Be someone who sets up a walking group and advertise it on Facebook or Meet Up, pay a visit to someone, ask for help and support, be honest about how you are feeling, become genuinely interested in others. “Men in Sheds†is a great initiative. Food for thought...I think it’s important to remember we all have moments of loneliness.