Part of Kathy Caprino's series "The Most Powerful You"

As I enter my second decade of helping people build happier lives and livelihoods, I continually see that our professional successes and failures, and our crushed hopes, have everything to do with what we believe about ourselves internally (either consciously or unconsciously), and how we’ve come to operate in the world and navigate through our challenges.

People tend to see outer circumstances as completely beyond their control and the culprit for their dissatisfaction and disappointment, thwarting them at every turn. But in reality, it’s our inner experience that drives and shapes our outer one. My research has shown that when people are not sufficiently clear (about what is driving and motivating them, and what they are capable of), or confident and courageous enough to take accountability for what they can change, they fail to achieve their highest dreams and goals. And they let themselves down on a daily basis.

Below are the eight most damaging ways people fail themselves every day:

They don’t speak up for themselves

The vast majority of people I've met and worked with who are deeply dissatisfied with their lives, work and relationships suffer from one core challenge: an inability to speak up authoritatively and confidently for what they want and what they deserve. In my former therapy work and now in leadership and career coaching, I've seen a powerful trend around people not being able to make sense of or evaluate rationally what they want and deserve, or take a bold stand on it. This is often due to the fact that they were raised in a way that speaking up for themselves wasn't safe or allowed. Adult children of narcissists, for instance, were trained in their childhoods that taking a stand and expressing beliefs that ran counter to their parents' would often have disastrous results.

But this challenge isn’t reserved only for those who’ve experienced narcissism or extreme emotional manipulation growing up. It’s also apparent in thousands of women and men around the world who feel guilty or selfish (or unworthy) if they think about pursuing what they want most deeply.

This inability to speak up powerfully is what my research has revealed is Power Gap #2 of the 7 most damaging power gaps that 98% of professional women face today. Gap #2 is Communicating From Fear Not Strength, and based on results from my recent Power Gap Survey, 70% of the over 1,000 women studied are experiencing this gap today. Here's more about it:

Tip: Commit today to having the one most important conversation in your life that is begging to be had, that will pave the way for asking for what you want and deserve, and getting it. (For more about all 7 of the damaging power gaps and how to overcome them, check out my new book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss.)

They don’t take the time to connect with what they're feeling or wanting

Life is grueling for many today, especially with the added challenges from the pandemic, with zero time to unplug, relax, and be quiet and calm within ourselves. We’re running, chasing, and striving, without allowing ourselves the chance to just be.

Sadly, when we don't make the time to be alone and quiet with ourselves, when we're neglecting building an intimate relationship with the most important person in our life (ourselves), and when we don’t take the essential time to shut out all the chatter, noise and competition of today’s hyper-connected world, we lose our ability to hear the stirrings of our heart and soul, and we don't recognize the deepest longings we have for our lives.

Tip: Every day, without fail, take just five minutes to sit with yourself without distraction or disturbance, and breathe deeply. Ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now. What are the feelings I want to feel more of today? And what am I to learn and do that will help me have those feelings?"

They don’t let go of the relationships that hurt them

I remember when I was in my late 20’s, it began to occur to me that I had a few “friendships’ that weren’t friendly at all; in fact, they were very hurtful. These “friends” were cruel, biting, grasping and selfish, and I’d had enough. I remember committing to doing the tough work of “purging” from my life people who just couldn’t give, or be kind, compassionate or loving. It was tough and sad, but I did it, and it was a life-changer. I then started to be more careful about who I allowed into my inner circle and trusted.

So many of the people I work with are engaged in relationships that are demeaning, devaluing, abusive or unhealthy. Why do we enter into these relationships? Often it’s because we "hook" into them unconsciously because don’t feel we deserve beautiful love and support. Many have never had it as children, so they don’t know what love, care, and compassion truly looks and feels like.

Tip: This week, take a good, long look at all your relationships, including your work ones. Are they respectful, healthy, happy? Do they support you or are you the one doing all the work in the relationship? Do they help you achieve your highest potential and growth and allow you to have your deepest needs and wants fulfilled? If not, do something bold about it. Where you can, purge out of your life those people who chronically hurt and demean you.

They don’t know how they're special, important and valuable

The vast majority of people I meet can’t answer these pivotal questions:

• How are you special?

• What important gifts, talents and abilities do you have that you love to use?

• What types of outcomes in the world do you love to support?

• How do you stand out in the world and what are you truly great at?

• What are your deepest, core values and how are you honoring those in your life and work?

• What matters most to you in life, and why is that important?

• When you're 90 looking back, what do you want to make sure you've contributed, achieved and created?

In our society, we’re not taught or encouraged to understand ourselves deeply, or even dare to look at how we’re special and valuable, let alone talk about it. This is what I call Power Gap #1: Not Recognizing Your Special Talents, Abilities and Accomplishments, and 63% of the women I've studied are facing it. Many people are raised to think that exploring these questions means we're self-absorbed or narcissistic, but it’s simply not true. Every person on this planet is special, valuable and important. But you can’t leverage your unique value and gifts if you’re not even aware of them.

Tip: Answer the questions above as honestly as possible, and then "find brave" to leverage your skills and talents that you love to use, to make a difference in the world. If you can’t answer these questions, get help from people who love, respect and value you, to help you see how you’re special and unique.

And if you want to figure out more clearly what you're truly passionate above, answer these 11 questions:

They don’t believe they deserve a happier life or livelihood

People who make a positive difference in the world and experience happiness, gratitude and success in their lives believe they deserve happiness, and don't shy away from it. 

What we believe will come to be. And those who feel undeserving of joy and success will make themselves “right” and fail to achieve it. 

The experiences we have in our childhoods, families of origin and throughout our lives often teach us either to feel we are worthy, loved and appreciated, or the opposite. Unfortunately, many thousands of people were raised to feel unworthy and undeserving.

Tip: Think back on the lessons you were taught about yourself by your parents and throughout your childhood. Were you encouraged to see yourself as worthy of love, happiness and success? Were you told you are beautiful, talented, smart, competent, valued, and important? Or were you told you are nothing and won’t amount to anything because you deserve to fail and others have more ability than you? If those were your messages, it’s time to engage in healing and revising your core beliefs about yourself.

They've stopped stretching and dreaming

Most of us have read 100 times or more that stretching outside your comfort zone is critical to your success and happiness. And many have said that growth and comfort simply do not co-exist. But how many people are truly stretching in their lives?

Every day, I see people who are stuck doing work they hate, in relationships and endeavors that limit them, but they’re afraid to stretch beyond these limitations. And they’ve stopped dreaming. They have bought into a million damaging excuses for why they can’t have what they want in their lives, and why their most compelling visions are just absurd fantasies.

Tip: Start stretching and dreaming again. Do one bold thing every week that will allow you to remember what it feels like to be brave, and make it something that's scary and thrilling. 

Get used to getting in the cage with your fears and walking toward the unknown. Do the thing that makes you say, "If I can do that, I can do anything!"

As I've learned in my own personal life, and as we're witnessing today, nothing outside ourselves is truly "safe and secure" – no job is forever, and "security and safety" don't come from external things. It’s in expanding who you are internally, and building your courage to deal with the unknown, and being OK with the uncertainty of life, that will make your own world feel safer and more secure.

They let their anxieties and upsets turn into hate, blame and resentment

There’s a great deal of hate in the world today, and according to recent studies, that hate is mounting. Many people turn to hate and blame because they can’t manage their own anxieties and fears. They feel vulnerable and deeply afraid, and they find that intolerable. As social researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown has so eloquently said, blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. And as international bestselling author and spiritual leader Lorna Byrne mentioned in our retreat work together, “Hate poisons us. We hate others when we don’t love ourselves enough.”

Tip: If you feel wracked with hate, blame and resentment, especially in these anxious times in our country, it’s time to look at your own anxieties and fears, and get help to manage them more effectively without transforming your fears into blame. And it’s time to learn to love yourself more deeply. When you do, there is far less room for hate.

They've forgotten what they're capable of

Finally, we let ourselves down when we forget what we’re capable of. If you’re stuck in an unfulfilling life or career, you’ve lost sight of what you’re truly able to do, create and achieve. There are reasons why we forget, including toxic relationships, bad bosses and cruel colleagues who tear us down. There are life lessons that we misread and dashed dreams that bring us to our knees. But when you get back in touch with more hope for the future, and commit yourself to becoming more positive, powerful, hopeful and resilient, life will change for the better.

Tip: Find someone who can be a mentor or accountability partner to help you see the future vision of you before it’s "hatched.” As Einstein said, “We can’t solve a problem on the level of consciousness that created it.” Shift your consciousness by getting empowering and uplifting help from someone who believes in you and won’t let you take “no” for answer about your own life.

For hands-on help to build a happier and better career, join Kathy Caprino's Amazing Career Project 16 week online course (enrollment is open now for the Fall session), and read her new book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss. For more about Kathy's speaking and training programs, click here.